just another damn birthday...

my baguio trip didn't pushed through because of unforeseen circumstances... (sheesh, may utang ka sakin Richard)

12 midnight... started the day talking with a friend on the phone... giving some tricks and strategies on courting... well... have to teach it rather than applying it... besides... my courting days have already passed... have to focus on my career... (failure in love means success in career)

man's greatest happiness is the aspect of being loved...

NOT...

man's GREATEST happiness is having proven one's self-worth!

besides.. i'm NOT searching for LOVE anymore... i'm happy when SHE is happy... that's all that matters... no more selfishness nowadays... got to secure my family's future rather than myself...

every soul has a story to tell, hearing those stories enriches our lives...

so better help people by sharing my experiences rather than helping myself... besides... it's my legacy that's important to me... my goal now is to touch other peoples lives...

i could still remember a reflection activity in my leadership training in baguio back in 2000... we reflected on our funeral... thinking who are those people who would go into our funeral... i may wish i have a funeral like FPJ's, but i wish that those people i have helped throughout the years would come... and other UNEXPECTED people...

by the way, thanks to those UNEXPECTED people who have helped me in my depression... Sam, Andrea, Ryan and his wife Margie, Edward thru Mariacia's friendster bulletin board, and of course... the only person i have talked to when i was all alone this past christmas... Vicky (o hayan, special ka ha... besides, yan na rin yung yearly call ko sayo, hehe... ask my UP friends why Vicky is special...)

and of course, my friends who were there for me this december (Rom, Alex, Sheila, Angelo, and my guild in Iris pRO... kulang pa inuman natin, hehe)

anyway... back to my birthday timeline...

1:30 am... finished the call... (using military analogy for my friends courting activity, yun gamit namin eh) there was some warning shots fired... the enemy has a good defensive stance... launched an airstrike to soften up the defense before the siege... but the bombs missed their strategic targets... might have a long campaign to invade Mother Russia... can't have a decisive victory like Gettysburg... fearing that there may be a defeat like Waterloo...

anyway...

after the call... been online for a while... edited some of my blogs... created a picture blog (jseracar2.blogspot.com)... searching a friend in ym which i can talk to... but no one's online... sheesh... played some ragnarok... not much to do... had 8 sticks of Philip Morris... can't sleep with nicotine on my brain...

slept by 7 am...

woke up in 2 pm... have to go to my shop... have to make a monthly accounting report...

at least there's some birthday food... a spaghetti made by my mom... can't cook my carbonara though... my family doesn't eat spaghetti noodles in white sauce... haay....

edited my multiply account... i've been having that account since august, and i haven't even edited my profile there... friendster is much more better...

4:30 pm... on my way to anonas...

5:45 pm... prayed at St. Joseph's Shrine... been thankful to the Lord for giving me another year... besides, i always pray at that church whenever i'm going to my shop... (to those who are shocked that i'm not an atheist anymore... well... i'm also shocked... haha!)

6 pm... at my shop in anonas... played some ragnarok while getting the accounting info... have to be in glorietta by 7...

7:30 pm... at last i'm in glorietta... first stop: National Book Store...

i'm planning to buy myself some gifts... especially the two books on my wish list

1. 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
2. Rich Dad Poor Dad: What the Rich teach their Kids about money - that the Poor and Middle Class do not! by Robert Kiyosaki

interesting to note though, that THESE are business related books...

anyway... 7 Habits costs P495 at National, Rich Dad at P319... better check the Powerbooks price...

passed at Filbars... bought a Ragnarok Juno Guide and the FHM December issue... i guess no one's gonna give me a gift for my birthday... even for christmas... sheesh!!!

had a birthday dinner alone... don't want to be with anybody right now... anyway.. i've dined at Red Ribbon... had my fave cake.. Chocolate Mousse!!! (yummy)

on to Powerbooks Greenbelt 4... bought the Rich Dad Poor Dad book... same price as National's.... but the 7 Habits.. sheesh!!! costs P795!!! (paperback pa ha!)

got back to Glorietta 4 to refill my lighter... and then to Greenbelt park... planned to have a nightcap at Starbucks GB3... but my mind is already spinning from 10+ sticks of Marlboro Menthol... anyway... my stock is already thin... so i've bought a new pack at Ministop so that i could still smoke at my bedroom...

went home by 10 pm...

10:30 pm... online again... testing my father's digicam (which will be passed to me...).. posted the computer and digicam pics on my blogs...

problem with yahoo messenger status.. can't have a link status without a www... so i immediately registered at smartdots.com to have a free domain... and then redirect it to my blogspot account...

12 am... finished with my damn birthday... loneliest birthday ever... but it's ok... at least i'll have a better one next year... no way to go but up...

to those who have greeted me... thanks...

and thanks for reading my blogs.. hope my stories could help you... c,")

Pre-Christmas jitters...

(this is my christmas season friendster profile)

had experienced the joy of life

cherished the moments that I could only have dreamed of

saw the life I wish I could have

had the love I have always wanted

have given love more than I thought I could

being so close of finally settling down

like a fairy tale ending, live happily ever after

and then I found out that it's all just a dream

that reality always kills the fantasy

because life is not perfect

realized that searching is not meant for me

for the traumatic memory still lingers

I now accept the fact that I would live my life in solitude

being contented, deprived of happiness

and now, I really know

that whatever comes my way

I will never ever love this way again...

The GREATEST gift that you can give to someone is a HEARTBREAK, because you're setting that person FREE from a FALSE LOVE

The Economics of LOVE... and my final goodbye...

Now this is inspiration... alcohol and nicotine are together in my brain...

Economics of LOVE...

Can MONEY be REALLY be involved in a RELATIONSHIP??

Girls NATURALLY are KIKAY...

They always WANT to LOOK pretty/sexy...

You CAN'T take it OUT of them.. you just can't... culture and norms have already IMPRINTED that within them...

"May mga babae namang simple ha?"

Provide them the means... give them the money... THEY'LL TURN OUT TO BE THE SAME AS THE GIRLS I HAVE MENTIONED ABOVE....

Girls are more MATERIALISTIC than men... look at the number of their clothes? number of their accessorries?

If you can't PROVIDE them with want they WANT... they will JUST LEAVE YOU and FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL!!!

That's why there are DOMs remember....

Girls fantasize LAVISH CHURCH WEDDINGS... it's TRUE...

This would cost you about... hmm... PHP 400,000!!

If you DON'T HAVE THE MONEY, just GO HOME and SCREW YOURSELF...

Coz girls would just REPLACE you with someone who would give them THAT fantasy! A RICH and SUCCESSFUL person where they can find SECURITY!

Besides... they want to get MARRIED with their PRINCE CHARMING (rich noble blooded heir to the throne)!!!

You just can't blame them... THEY'RE JUST BEING PRACTICAL...

"May mga tao naman na may wagas na pag-ibig ha... na hindi tinitignan ang pera..."

Yes there are people who find TRUE LOVE... they are the DYING BREED... REALISM really KILLS IDEALISM... just can't find IDEAL people anymore... they're slowly being killed by the hellish nature of society...

You're just watching too much TV drama.. GET A LIFE!!!

It's either you're MAPORMA/POGI or MAYAMAN/SUCCESSFUL...

If you're one or both of those.. then you'll have a FIGHTING CHANCE...

If not... be prepared for a FUCKED UP life ahead of you...

Coz you're JUST LIKE ME... a FUCKING LOSER...

I'm NOT hitting on women per se... they are just victims of this DAMNED culture of ours...

I'm NOT being self-righteous... I'm just stating some facts...

Am I sounding like a SEXIST? I'm ACTUALLY turning out to BE LIKE ONE...

Coz that's what I'm gonna be after this FUCKING episode I went through...

"Sayang Jeff, ang tali-talino mo pa naman... bakit ka kasi hindi nakuntento? Bakit mababa pa rin ang tingin mo sa sarili mo? Lumagay ka sa lugar namin... malalaman mo na mataas na rin ang naabot mo..."

Yes, I was NEVER CONTENTED... I should have been CONTENTED when IT WAS TIME FOR ME to be CONTENTED.... but I didn't... why? COZ I'M STILL BELOW MY SELF PROCLAIMED STANDARDS!!!

Am I being TOO HARD ON MYSELF? NO I'M NOT! I HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL AND I DIDN'T USE THEM WISELY! I'M A VICTIM OF MY OWN MISTAKES! I'M THE OUTCOME OF MY WRONG DECISIONS!!!

I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE!

I ALWAYS HAVE DOUBTS IN MYSELF... INSECURITIES AND HOPELESSNESS PREVAILS IN ME... I CAN'T TRUST MYSELF IN DOING SOMETHING THAT'S BETTER FOR ME... I'M A COMPLETE FAILURE!!! I DON'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

ARE THESE THE CAUSE OF THOSE DEMONS??

The DEMONS?? The outcome of SELF DOUBT, INSECURITIES and PAST FAILURES? Yes THEY'RE IN ME. I LIKE THEM TO BE THERE IN ME. THEY HELP ME IN DOUBTING PEOPLE. I JUST CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY RIGHT NOW. THEY'RE THERE TO PROTECT ME FROM FURTHER PAIN.

And I'm a person of God. I have faith in HIM. I believe HE will guide and protect me. He will show me THE WAY... together with the DEMONS... I think GOD and DEMONS would work inside me HAND in HAND... Ironic isn't it?

Besides... I'm PLAYING with my DEMONS right now... at the FIERY PITS OF HELL INSIDE OF ME...

ARE THESE THE CAUSE OF MY IMPERFECTIONS?

Heck, NOBODY'S PERFECT! Only GOD is a PERFECT BEING. To have IMPERFECTIONS is NATURAL. I DON'T HAVE TO WORK MY WAY THROUGH IT. I'M ALREADY CONTENTED WITH IT. Besides, I'm too STUBBORN to CHANGE, I HAVE NO INTENTIONS TO AT LEAST STRIVE in BEING PERFECT. MY FLAWS ARE ALREADY IMPRINTED IN MY SOUL. IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME TO CHANGE. THERE'S NO HOPE FOR ME TO CHANGE. COZ I'M ALREADY CONTENTED WITH MY FLAWS.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, FINE... I DON'T CARE! I CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL... IF NOT, THEN FIND ANOTHER... (wash... rinse... repeat...) BUT I WOULDN'T GIVE ALL OF MY LOVE ANYMORE. I DON'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO GIVE IT ALL COZ I DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN. THERE ARE ALWAYS THESE DOUBTS IN ME, THAT MAKES ME DOUBT ANY PARTNER THAT I WOULD HAVE. I CAN'T TRUST THEM ANYMORE! COZ I KNOW SOMEDAY THEY WOULD JUST HURT OR LEAVE ME! I DON'T HAVE TO FORGIVE THEIR MISTAKES, COZ TRUST CAN NEVER BE REGAINED. THEY'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND MUST ACCEPT THE HARSH CONSEQUENCE. I DON'T BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES, COZ PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE ANOTHER CHANCE. MY IMPERFECTIONS JUST CAN'T ACCEPT THEIRS. BESIDES, I KNOW THEY WOULDN'T LOVE ME, COZ I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF! THEY CAN'T ACCEPT WHO I AM NOR MY DARK PAST! THEY JUST CAN'T! IF MY DEMONS TELL ME TO QUIT ON THE RELATIONSHIP, I WOULD! COZ I DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN! I DON'T WANT TO RISK IT ALL AGAIN!

I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE ME... COZ MY IMPERFECTIONS WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LEAVE ME...

I NEED SOMEONE WHO COULD CHANGE MY OUTLOOK IN LIFE... BRING ME OUT OF MY HELL HOLE AND MAKE ME SEE THE BEAUTY OF LOVE... OF LIFE... TO FINALLY MAKE ME REALLY HAPPY AND CONTENTED... MAKE ME REALLY LOVE AGAIN... WITHOUT DOUBTS AND FEARS...

Making your love one happy is glorious.... making your love one change for the better is divine... coz that's where he/she would find REAL and LIFELONG HAPPINESS... and that's the GREATEST love you can EVER give to a person...

In a relationship, you can't CONTROL your partner... you JUST CAN'T... Learn HOW TO REALLY TRUST. Yes I know, TRUST is the BASIS of LOVE... it's TRUE... But LOVE is the BASIS of a RELATIONSHIP... You just can't lose TRUST... think of it.. when you're already MARRIED, you JUST CAN'T GIVE UP on the RELATIONSHIP... you must have UNDERSTANDING... learn to TRUST AGAIN... learn to accept your partner's imperfections... besides, you just can't find a perfect person... looking for one would only let you down... let YOUR LOVE GUIDE your PARTNER... let LOVE CONTROL your partner...

Have FAITH in LOVE... believe me... it WORKS in MYSTERIOUS WAYS... Learn to LOVE freely and without doubts and fears... you can't have FAITH in your LOVE if you DON'T GIVE IT ALL... HOW CAN YOU FIND REAL LOVE IF YOU DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN IT?

Have FAITH in YOURSELF... YOU HAVE ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD INSIDE OF YOU... Learn to take RISKS again... Have COURAGE in REALLY LOVING a person.. by GIVING ALL that you have GOT... coz if you don't.. you're JUST CHEATING ON LOVE... How can you be LOVED if you're also giving love HALF HEARTEDLY? Don't let your doubts, insecurities and fears EAT YOU ALIVE. Don't let NEGATIVE EMOTIONS control you...

Have faith in GOD... He will guide you all the way... He would make things work out... He will give you STRENGTH... He will give you PATIENCE and UNDERSTANDING... He will make you LEARN HOW TO FORGIVE... I know you already know this things...

Am I being IDEALISTIC? Sometimes, you MUST BE. Because THESE IDEALISMS guide US to SURVIVE in the REALITY of LIFE... That's why we're RAISED in BELIEVING IN THEM...

Man's greatest happiness is being convinced that they are loved.... as they say... but you would be MUCH MORE HAPPIER knowing that you have GIVEN ALL YOUR LOVE... I know you would face heartaches... face pain and suffering... but the greatest challenge in life is learning to STAND UP again...

Look at me... I'm happy because I found the REAL LOVE in me... I'm already CONTENTED of knowing that someday, maybe with the help of this blog, my love would eventually change for the better... and then I know... she would have the LIFELONG happiness that she deserves... being LOVED by someone who she LOVES without the traces of fear and doubts... without the sense of insecurities... and that guy would eventually be the luckiest guy in the world... having and loved by the most wonderful WIFE in the world...

Call this martyrdom if you will... but I call it PURE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...

Because TRUE LOVE is a one-way street... Loving means never EXPECTING something in return...

I love her... that's why I want her to be happy... not a TEMPORARY ONE... but a LIFELONG ONE...

As I'm now on my way to RECOVERY...

And would now focus on my career... leaving my LOVE behind...

I'm satisfied... of having such emotions...of feeling such love in me... I had never imagined myself having this... indeed... love brings miracles...

But I guess I have to move on... and treat this experience as a cherished memory...

I hope that the ONE I LOVE reads this... coz I want to tell her...

Do you know why I love you? Coz I always see the innocence and sweetness in your eyes... it shows all the LOVE you can give that you're too afraid to show... the LOVE that you're always depriving yourself... I see the true beauty in you... the sweet old Bernadette that I once came to know way back in high school... yes you've changed... but I know your true nature is still embedded within yourself...

You have so much love in you... learn to give it all again...

Don't lose hope... you have a BRIGHT FUTURE ahead of you...

I wish that the pain you've inflicted on me reprieve all the sufferings you have encountered in your past...

Stand proud... chin up... don't ever ever look down onto yourself again...

And if you fail, cheer up... just think that there's always somebody out there loving you...

I hope you could reflect on my advices... all I want is your LIFELONG HAPPINESS... and you WOULDN'T GET THAT with your CURRENT OUTLOOK in LIFE...

Learn to change... please... I'm not saying this for myself... but IT'S for YOUR SAKE...

Believe me... you'll find the happiness and contenment you've long been searching....

I guess I'm breaking my promise of NOT ever leaving you....

Coz I'm now letting you go...

Don't worry... I won't bug you anymore... and I would never expect hearing from you again...

I love you Bernadette...

And thank you...

Have faith in yourself...

Have faith in LOVE...

And most of all... have faith in GOD...

Goodbye.

On the ROAD to RECOVERY...

Friday, 4:30 pm... I'm buying my favorite drink at Starbucks... Chocolate Cream Frappuccino Venti...

Ahh... I'm gonna spend some quality time with my good old high school and college buddy, Philip Morris (TM), at the balcony of Starbucks Glorietta 4... (Yes, this is my favorite brand of cigar... I used to smoke about 40 sticks A DAY in early 1995... in 1996, when my grandfather died, I puffed 2 sticks simultaneously... haha!! Thanks for making me remember this Jan Adelle! Had a 6-year no-smoking period after 1997... in those years, I smoked 10 sticks max a year...)

I have a nice place though.. at the middle of the balcony near the ledge... I can see the dark clouds in the horizon past the Ayala MRT Station... gazing at the new SM Makati and of course the beauty of Hotel Intercon and Oakwood Hotel... down below the ledge, there's the memorable Oakwood Park which where I used to hang out almost everyday a few years ago... ahh.. brings back memories of yesteryears...

Sheesh!! I had a long walk from Glorietta to Mozcom office and back (that's 2 km) just to pay for the Internet connection bill of my shop... with blisters at my feet provided by my new CATTERPILLAR safety shoes. (Remember, safety shoes are NOT used for walking LONG distances... although I've used those kind of shoes in the majority of my college years...)

Ouch, my body is still hurting caused by my gym sessions... at least my muscles are firm now (maybe caused by the muscle-enhancing drugs I'm taking)... and I have a nice posture caused by my arm stiffness (I can't even stretch my shoulders!). I can still remember 10 years ago, I used to barbell squat with 100 lbs and bench press 80 lbs with ease, 15 reps, 3 sets.. now I can't even do 10 repetitions of bench press with 40 lbs... waah!!!

Down below, there's a mini-event at Oakwood Park which I didn't get interested... but I saw some wall-climbing events. Makes me remember back in 1994, in our C.A.T. Live Fire Exercise in Ternate, Cavite (read: firing a gun with LIVE ammunition) with an M-16 Carbine targetting a can 15 feet from the beach. Before that session, we climbed a 25ft 80-degree cliff with one rope (no harness)... now that's easy! Going down is VERY DIFFICULT for me... I still can't rappel properly... waah!!

Sheesh!! It's hard being depressed... Now I know the feeling of my other ex-girlfriend... I now EMPHATIZED her for having lived in a hell-hole that I'm experiencing now... I now know the life of a person being replaced... (oops... hmm... is she gonna read this? She still don't know that there was a third party involved in OUR breakup... hehe... maybe NOT.. besides... she's HAPPY right now... and there's NO WAY we're gonna get together again...)

Going back... while I'm waiting for my female friend... and having a quality time with good ol' Philip Morris, I just can't stop contemplating...

As my dear colleague Rom said to me a few months back... "Pare, after 5 years, I want US to spend our nightcaps in a posh coffee shop... talking about our careers and businesses...."

Now that's more like it... I can now focus on something else... MY CAREER!!!

It gave me another reason for moving on... which I almost forgot... MY DREAMS... MY CAREER PLANS... (I've been too blinded by the concept of settling down... I almost forgot my career... hehe)

Hey Aki, are there any posh coffee shops there in Singapore that you, your brother Angelo, Rom and I could spend some quality time when we're ALL TOGETHER there? I plan to go there in 2 years MAX...

Ahh... now THIS is life... having a cold coffee in one hand... and talking money-making strategies and technical issues with high-IQ people... Can't get enough of it... It makes my mind work... which is the BEST part of me... MY BRAINS!!! (Can I donate my brain when I die? My lungs are slowly being burnt, my heart is wasted, my eyes are near-blind, and my kidney... I don't know.. even though I had a gf doctor, I haven't let her check on my kidneys...)

5:00 pm... still no sign from my friend... but I'm getting a hang on my hobby when I'm in Makati... BABES WATCHING! (next time, I won't use the term BABES... it reminds me of someone... waah!!)

Have a group of Assumption girls two tables in front of me... together with their hip-hop friends/dates... just can't stop thinking of the generation gap... "puro PORMA wala namang ALAM"... they are the EPITOME of BEAUTY WITHOUT BRAINS... hahah!! (sorry for that, i'm just a discriminative person... meant no offense)

Even though I don't like students with uniforms.. I just can't stop doing what I'm always doing since my high school days... SEEING BEYOND the UNIFORM!!! hehe... I'm checking their bra size/brands... checking their panties and see if they wear thongs... (just can't get enough of those thongs... seen them with cover... without cover.. and seen them without IT... hahaha!!)

Ahh... after a few minutes.. they left... ok.. a Paulinian replaced them in the table... nice view.. c,")

Sheesh!! Two teen girls blocked my view... about 3 feet away from me... sheesh!! At least they provided me with close-up body viewing... seen both with cup-B bras... the other one having a white panty with pink stripes coming out of her pants... hehehe...

Wow... a lone busty girl with a frapp in her hand is looking for a place to sit... hmm... I've always want to approach those kind of girls and say "Hi, can I hold this for you?"... NOT the frapp ha!! The BOOBS!!! hehe.. Sometimes I want to be a brassierre... :p

As Rom said... "If you're in a BIG company and you're bored of seeing the same kind of things everyday... go to the MARKETING Department... you'll appreciate the BEAUTY of nature"

Haha!! If there's a PRETTY marketing executive who has an IQ of 130 plus... I'll go for it.. :p

Ahh... the pleasure of being SINGLE...

No limits... no boundaries... no burden of someone always checking up on you... no curfews... no fear of doing something that might cause jealousy....

No one to care for you... no one to love you... waaah!! (I'm getting overboard here!!)

Yes, being SINGLE... that's what I'm gonna work on... Besides, it's been THREE YEARS since the last time I was single... been in a relationship ever since...

7:00 pm... two and a half hours of waiting... on to my 15th stick... and then my friend came... and she has a GIFT... plus she promised to TREAT me for DINNER... now that's good... I should always be heartbroken hehe...

On to my dinner at Food Choices... at our favorite place near the window overlooking Intercon... brings back memories of our "barkada" (read: a group of friends... have to translate in english for those foreign readers... hehe)

Ahh.. good ol' barkada memories... had fun while it lasted... it ended when one of us became a traitor... (you know, a boy and a girl in a barkada... the boy likes the girl... girl don't like the boy... another boy from the barkada acted as a bridge... and it all ended up with the bridge and the girl being together... hehe... Don't ever EVER get in a relationship with a barkada member... the future of the barkada is AT RISK...)

The TRUST never again came back and then POOF... the group dissipated...

As one of my barkada said when asked if our group could get together again... "We MUST move on with our lives... Even though I've already forgiven them, deep inside.. it HASN'T..."

You can't TRUST if there's no TRUE FORGIVENESS...

TRUST is GAINED... and that takes time... it's hard... but that's the challenge...

"Thanks for making me learn how to TRUST again..." -- a text from my ex-gf after we reconciled (?)

I wish I could say those words in the near future...

If you've been in a situation like I had, having only a few steps in settling down, and then abruptly being left behind... I guess you'll be TRAUMATIZED as I am right now...

I just can't TRUST anybody right now... including MYSELF...

I can't TRUST myself to love again.. coz the TRAUMA would only let me SCREW UP the relationship...

I can never TRUST my partner again... coz I'm afraid that I might be AGAIN in the SAME situation like I'm in right now...

I've posted my blogs so that you could LEARN from my MISTAKES... don't EVER EVER do what I have done...

I just want you guys NOT to experience what I'm experiencing right now... I guess that's all I can do... SHARE my KNOWLEDGE...

9:30 pm... got to get home... Have to type this blog soon...

Hmm... I wish I had this writing talent before.. I might end up being a spot column writer... hehe...

Or write a book... have a "Catcher in the Rye" (my favorite novel)... part TWO...

Besides... I'm like Holden Caufield (the main character in that book)... same ideas.. same philosophies...

Heck...

While I'm walking back to Landmark to get a ride home...

I'm preparing myself for my future... for my dreams... my ambitions...

No time for love... have to move on without it... (on sex... hmm... that's different.. hehe)

As said in Economics... after depression comes RECOVERY...

With a little bit of hope (I guess deep inside I still have that LOVE for HER in me)...

And a renewed focus, vigor and strength...

I'm prepared for the future...

COME WHAT MAY...

The POSITIVE ASPECTS of being HEARTBROKEN...

Hmm.. another blog again... thanks for reading my blogs though... I REALLY appreciate it when someone has the time to check on my blogs... it makes me think that someone still CARES for me... hehehe... I HOPE...

Besides... it's mostly english... so nakakatamad basahin... it's LONG pa... But I take pride in my WRITINGS.. :p

Not much inspiration again... had not smoked for a WHOLE DAMN DAY... coz I have no cigars, but I will buy some tom... my body still aching from my gym session (yes, i have a gym session EVERYDAY... I'm releasing my anger by PUMPING IRONS... hahaha)... and my right upper leg still has numbness...

Have to shift focus to myself... she REALLY emphasized that I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER... that's why she'd replaced me with another man as fast as the speed of light... waaah!!!

I guess LOVING is NOT the only reason for a successful relationship.. I guess it's PRACTICALITY AS WELL... (you can't get your love one happy and contented if you're a LOSER LIKE ME...)

My mission now, is to get back to my POWERLIFTER FORM from TEN YEARS AGO.. yes people... I WAS A POWERLIFTER BEFORE... been in a weightlifting class...

Have diet.. (I'm only eating 2-3 cups of rice at lunch, and only 2 sandwiches at dinner... no more breakfast...)

Be busy in my work/business (have to find a job... maybe a lucrative one... I was left because of this... can someone help? hehe)...

And MAYBE another CHANCE... (!?)

Well, while WAITING for SOMETHING that's VERY IMPROBABLE TO HAPPEN (like waiting for a gift from santa?? hehe.. geez.. have to believe in SANTA CLAUS now... coz it's like believing that MY LOVE would RETURN to me.. hahaha)... got to release some thoughts...

I'm done with my anger... done realizing the negative side of things...

Now let's go to the POSITIVE ones...

Hmm... are there REALLY any POSITIVE ASPECTS in BREAKING UP?

Hmm...

"You would only learn to love someone when they are not around." -- from a text by my lovely ex-gf.

Indeed, you could never REALLY appreciate someone when they are always with you. People tend to take things around them for GRANTED, even the ones they love. It's not that they don't LOVE them, it's just that they seem to look past them when trying to find MORE happiness. People do have difficulty in finding contentment.

And now... sadly... I had loved HER even MORE when we're NOT TOGETHER... waah!!!

"I then realized... I really love her... no matter what... not waiting to be loved back... coz I really am in love..." -- from the ym status of the current president of my former org in UPD.

Love would WORK when it's TIME for it to WORK... -- from my lovely ex-gf's blog

Maybe it's REALLY NOT YET TIME for us... (with wishful thinking...)

Maybe she needs to be WITHOUT me for her to realize that she loves me... (damn wishful thinking again...)

Maybe I need to be WITHOUT her for me to realize HOW MUCH IMPORTANT she is to me... (have that already...)

Well.. that's ALL MAYBE...

Coz I'm guilty of having wishful thoughts...

"KUNG KAMI, KAMI".

When heartbroken, talk to female friends more than male friends...

Coz male friends would only say... "Pre, wag mo nang isipin yan... inom na lang tayo and manood ng SHOW"... hehe

But indeed... I have found some male colleagues of mine who gave their 10 cents worth of opinions...

Like Aki... he made me realize that I could help someone by posting my realizations... haha... Thanks Aki! (And thanks for reading my blogs... i'm glad I could be of help...)

And Aki, yes it's NOT LIKE ME... kakagulat no? I have this kind of emotion deep within my heart all the time... and it is awakened by the RIGHT GIRL at the WRONG TIME... waaah!! (wishful thinking AGAIN!!!)

Pati nga MAMA ko nagulat sakin eh... ngayon lang nya akong nakitang MA-INLOVE... tapos ngayon lang niya akong nakita na NADEPRESSED... hahaha!!!

LEGAL kasi yung relationship eh... waaah!!!

And my good old colleague Sam.. and his almost the same philosophy as mine...

"People help because they have problems that needed to be solved in them as well. You could help yourself by helping someone else." -- from Sam

That thought made me remember my IDEA of friendship... (can't divulge, Out of Topic)

Thanks Sam!!!

Female friends get you another side of things... the emotional aspect... the same point of view of your LOVE ONE.

They are the ones that you should talk to after breakup... it gets you to see what an ASSHOLE you really are... hehe...

Kidding aside, they are the ones who would help you realize on things... (I realized mine from a girl... my LOVELY EX-GF... waahh!!)

Yes.. a POSITIVE effect of BREAKING UP is that you'll learn and realize things...

Why do people have to realize things when it's already too late???

As I prepare for a COLD COLD CHRISTMAS... I will leave you guys with a thought...

As my ym status says...

The only POSITIVE THING in BREAKING UP is that YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO BUY AN EXPENSIVE GIFT FOR XMAS... c,")

But then.. I still plan to buy and mail her the book I promised of giving her this XMAS... It's not that expensive though... Will buy that from the money I've saved for our ENGAGEMENT RING... (waah!!! why do things get bad when you're near the aspect of marriage... it really shows that i'm NOT gonna get married someday... a HARSH reality that I have to accept...)

Loving is INDEED a one-way street...

The DARKER side of REALIZATIONS...

The sole purpose of this blog is to release my anger. If reflection is one of the things that helps me to move on... anger is another. Besides... as I've said before... you need to have an outburst...

Got not much inspiration though.. had only 5 sticks of Marlboro Reds, my body still aching from my gym session, plus the numbness of my upper right leg (3 days already). Can't go to the doctor to have a check-up... i'm TRAUMATIZED by doctors... believe me... i don't have TRUST on THEM anymore....

Hmm.. am I unfair for GENERALIZING?

We all have our prejudices... I guess I have added another one to my list...

Besides... prejudices can EASILY be removed... right??

Like for example... you could say that "I don't TRUST MEN anymore!! Manloloko silang lahat!!!"

And then after a few days... ayun.. may boyfriend na...

Sarap kainin ng sinabi no...

You just can't TRUST what people say...

One thing I've learned is to NOT BELIEVE IN DAMN PROMISES.

If you can't keep a PROMISE... then don't make it in the first place. Sheesh!!!

Don't say your SORRY if you have broken a PROMISE... believe me... you're NOT worth it.

So if you don't want to hurt a person by giving him/her false hopes... DON'T PROMISE.

Anyway... it's nothing for me.. coz I wouldn't believe in a DAMN PROMISE anyway....

The BASIS of LOVE is TRUST... yes... it's true...

But don't make it an EXCUSE...

If you REALLY love a person, you would know how to GIVE ANOTHER CHANCE. Why? Because it's for the SAKE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. If you WANT the RELATIONSHIP to LAST, you SHOULD MEET THAT PERSON HALF WAY (and I know the person who taught me THIS, sheesh!).

Or is it just a REVENGE?

I know, I'm the one who's at FAULT here... coz I'm the ONE who had left her before... but we RECONCILED... right? FORGIVENESS is a BIG FACTOR in RECONCILIATION... NOT PITY...

But hey? Do you REALLY NEED to get REVENGE to a person that you VALUE? (I didn't used the term LOVE here... I guess she never REALLY had LOVED me ... coz I'm JUST a "minor love" to her... only a stepping stone...)

NEVER GIVE UP if you VALUE the RELATIONSHIP.

Giving up means TWO things....

1.) you don't love that person anymore

2.) you already FOUND another

You've fallen OUT OF LOVE by the DEMONS inside you?

The DEMONS? Those TINY LITTLE DAMN DEMONS?

You should KNOW that the DEMONS are there to KEEP YOU IN DOUBT, KEEP YOU FROM SEEING THE BEAUTY OF LIFE. If you're a GODLY person, you should know that!!! (What an IRONY!)

And yet you're HAPPY by being DEFEATED by THOSE DEMONS? SHEESH!!!

LOGIC tells that if it's not premise 1, it SHOULD be premise 2.

I was left because there's SOMEONE ELSE.

Now I know, that REALLY LOVING SOMEONE doesn't necessarily mean that YOUR PARTNER WOULD ALSO GIVE YOU THE SAME AMOUNT OF LOVE.

I was a FOOL to LOVE that much...

Besides, to really LOVE someone, you must give it unconditionally, without expecting anything to be given back. And it's true, the GREATEST HAPPINESS in life is to be convinced that you're being loved. -- from my friend Aki

And what happened made me realize...

That I'm just a trash... an insecured DAMN trash...

And this adds to my INSECURITIES, huh...

As my friend Aki said, "When you realize that you don't really matter to someone, you wonder if you matter to anyone."

I guess I must now get back to my shell... coz it's the only place I know that my pride and dignity wouldn't be destroyed.

Yes LOVING is a risk. And I risked all that I've got for it...

But sadly.. I lost...

Ahh.. ANGER... such a sweet emotion...

But you know what?

Even though she caused me so much PAIN??

I STILL FORGAVE HER.

Why? Coz deep inside, I'm STILL the FOOL who LOVES her SO MUCH...

As I go back to my shell... I'll leave my gates open for HER... coz even though I've already stuffed my mind with hopeless thoughts... deep inside.. I still have that DAMN LITTLE hope....

And I know that i'll REGRET this someday...

The last thing I want to share with the people who are reading this....

DON'T BE A FOOL LIKE ME.

And to the ONE who's the SUBJECT of my anger...

Please UNDERSTAND me... I'm just releasing my anger... TAO LANG PO AKO... MAY PUSO'T DAMDAMIN...

NASASAKTAN DIN PO AKO....

And DON'T SMOKE... you're HAPPY now right? I'm the ONE who SHOULD smoke... coz I was the ONLY ONE who had FELT the HEARTBREAK...

Things I have learned from Bernadette...

Even though it's hard for me to accept... but love really has departed me... and one of the things that would help me recover is to reflect....

Yes, I love her... I really do...

That's why I'm giving SO MUCH importance to her...

And yet... sadly... she can never be mine...

But before I move on, I want to share some things she had taught me along the way...

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"Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift" -- from her blog

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches" -- from her blog

Maybe it is. Almost all of us had suffered from love before. Almost all of us regained our bearings and moved again in life. But always remember the things you have learned from those experiences. And when you find the person that you really love, be thankful for the past that you have had and practice the knowledge that you have gained from that past.

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"In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away. Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with whom everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose." -- from her blog

One reason why love failed is because it is not yet time. People love without realizing if they are really prepared for it. They just fall in love because they needed to be loved. And that spells doom. Never EVER fall in love for the sake of your own security and happiness. But hey, you need to have failed relationships in order to become wise.

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"Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will." -- from her blog

Learn to be contented with the one you love. He/She may not be PERFECT, but still, she's the one for you. Call it fate if you will. Readiness ALWAYS comes after contentment. I know that, believe me... I've already FELT that.

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"scared, i gave up the fight which, in my heart i know, determines my future happiness. thinking, with all the pain that i have gone through i could no longer take another blow... so i tried to forget" -- from her blog

"you don’t need to be loved and be wanted… you’ll just end up hurting…" -- from her blog

"but w/ all the growing demons in my soul & the turmoils of my heart, i could not risk loving him the way i have loved before. " -- from her blog

THIS IS IMPORTANT>>>>>

Loving is taking risks. We're afraid of getting hurt. But if you REALLY love someone, you'll take ALL the risks. The demons left by the past will always make you fail to see the love you're having. Be strong to take the demons HEAD ON. They are DEMONS, remember? They are there to bring DOUBT in you. We all have these demons. And you won't get CONTENTED and HAPPINESS without being victorious against it.

"To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt. -- Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved." -- from my friend Michael Jude "Aki" Suarez on his friendster profile... thanks for acknowledging me in your profile Aki.

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"with little of the faith that remains in me, i pray for a miracle. a miracle of love... that though lost souls that we are, roaming in this vast desert of doubt, insecurities, falsehood & pain, may we find a path that would lead us both to each other. & i will never let go of ur hand, never again." -- from her blog

I am guilty that I'm still holding on. Maybe it's the only way for me to live. I know it's wrong, but it's the only thing that keeps me believing that I'll have a brighter future. As my favorite quote says "The end justifies the means - Niccolo Machiavelli", living is my end objective, hoping is my means.

But don't be a fool like me who believes in this.

Holding on will only make you close your eyes on the beauty of life. Holding on would only let you live a false hope. Learn to love again. Learn to live. It takes time, yes. But still, have patience. You never really know what happens next.

"Minsan, iniisip natin na mag LET GO... na mag MOVE ON... Iniisip pa lang natin, nasasaktan na tayo... What if we walk or talk to finally LET GO... BADTRIP!!! Masakit di ba? It breaks your heart even more kung alam mo sa sarili mo na, sobrang LOVE mo sya... Like, you've sacrificed A LOT!!! Marami ka nang nagawa na di mo nagagawa sa iba... Pero di niya lahat nakita yun! he/she's so blind to see and so deaf to hear!!! Why? Ewan ko ba...kung bakit may mga tao na... Sobrang... MANHID!!!!! Or probably nagmamanhid manhidan lang! Dahil ba... HINDI ka talaga niya GUSTO or IBA ang MAHAL niya... Hindi mo tuloy alam if you should let go of your feelings for him/her once and for all... As I've said... Mas madali siguro mag-LET GO if you know he/she doesn't give a thing about you... Syempre kung meron...hindi niya pababayaan na MAWALA ka... But if you think...OK lang sa kanya yun... Don't be a FOOL!!! LET GO... How would you fight for THE ONE you LOVE? MAHAL mo nga pero habang ipinaglalaban mo naman siya... ipinaglalaban niya din yung taong MAHAL NIYA!!! What are we to do? E ganyan talaga! REALITY BITES, as the saying goes... MASAKIT, MAHIRAP, PARANG di MO MAKAKAYA... OO, that's NORMAL sa pag LE-LET GO. Sometimes...you'ld really want to forget all the hurt and convince yourself that YOU'LL BE LOVING HIM/HER NO MATTER WHAT, COME WHAT MAY, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! Ang nakapagtataka pa dun...bakit ayan ka na naman.. di mo naisip... NAPATAWAD mo siya agad at nakalimutan ang sakit... PERO WALA NAMAN SiYANG GINAGAWA... WALA SIYANG GINAGAWA KUNDI SAKTAN KA!!! ang mas masakit pa dyan... THE DANG CYCLE GOES ON AND ON AND ON... Paulit-ulit lang yan.. OK.. Palusot ng IBA... pag mahal mo, di ka magsasawa... KAMOTE!!!!! C'mon!!! MAGSAWA NA tayo sa MGA SAKIT na binibigay nila!!! THINK GUYS!!! kung gano natin sila kamahal... GANUN DIN nila tayo sinaktan... mahal ba natin sila dahil ganun sila? o ganun sila dahil ALAM na mahal natin sila?!!!" -- by Mariacia from her friendster bulletin post

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"I love you, profoundly and completely. And I always will." -- from her yahoo profile

Ouch! Self-realizations really hurts. When you find true love, always... ALWAYS... love that person profoundly and completely. Never ever take love for GRANTED. If the love failed, never EVER lose respect on that person. You would know you really LOVED that person if there is still RESPECT to that person after the love has lost.

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"One must not rely fully on logic to explain another's action/past. Sometimes love is needed. For with love, comes understanding. Logic, like science and all other things associated with this world, is finite. It has boundaries, may be lacking in some areas. In a relationship, logic is wanting. For there are some things that could not be explained by logic. Thus, love is needed. Where logic and explanations stops, there love and understanding continues." -- from her one and only letter to me

Even if I'm logical person, I was touched by this one. Truly, love can't be explained by logic. Love is an emotion. Don't ever love a person for personal advancements. Love a person for who he/she really are. Don't use your mind, use your HEART. Happiness wouldn't come if you ONLY use your mind. For HAPPINESS is an emotion, it can't also be explained by logic.

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"Your love for me will lead you back to GOD, you will because we will be together for a long time" -- she said to me after we reconciled

And I guess she really did lead me back to GOD. I've been in much more tougher situations than this, yet I don't really needed to search for GOD. It really needed someone who's important to me that would let me find GOD again.

Have faith. Have faith. Believing in yourself is good, but don't let it leave just like that. Find someone to hold on to, someone who could give you the strength in times of trouble. Someone who may give you hope. Someone who could give you miracles. Always thank HIM. Always do. The hardships that you had encountered helped you become a better person. Thank HIM for the life that you have got.

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"You'll love someone else, but NOT the same as your LOVE for me" -- she said after the breakup

Hmm... thinking... thinking...

Yes love is different in every relationship that you would have. But don't be too naive to love less every time.

But for me... I don't know...

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"Thanks for loving me so much" -- she texted after the breakup

Knowing that you've loved someone so much is very heart-warming. Even if it fails, you know that you did ALL you could. Be satisfied with what you have done, yet strive to be better the next time.

You may never know that you've already exceeded your personal limitations once you give it all.

I know... I did that already.

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She would have been my fiancee, she would have been my wife...

And yet...

It'll never be...

All I could do now is to cherish her inside of me...

And honor her by doing the things she had taught me...

Yes she had left me...

She had left me... a BETTER man...

Thank you Bernadette.

"When you finally realize you didn't matter at all to someone, you begin to wonder if you matter to anyone." - from my friend Aki

A LOVE guide... hope it would help you...

If you REALLY love SOMEONE...

...love that person more than yourself. don't love that person for a certain reason (money, fame, pity, etc.) except REAL LOVE. needing/wanting that person doesn't tell if you really love him/her. you don't seek LOVE to satisfy your own interests. instead, it should be YOU who would satisfy that person's security and happiness.

...be contented. accept his/her faults. for that person is only just a human being, having imperfections. understand that person's philosophies, for it is the basis of his/her character. a change for the better is good, but make that person realize it by himself/herself. have loyalty.

...that person's past shouldn't matter. be thankful that the person you're loving was an outcome of all the experiences he/she had in the past.

...have TRUST. the basis of LOVE is TRUST.

...fight for it. never ever take LOVE for granted. give IMPORTANCE to the relationship.

But if there comes a time when a relationship fails...

...have an outburst. anger is natural, coz it is the 1st defensive mechanism of a person. but don't let yourself engulf into it. don't let the suffering and pain destroy you.

...cry. it's healthy. it washes away all the sadness in you. let the tears lessen your self-anguish. don't blame yourself nor that person. a relationship lasts if both of the parties wants it to last.

...have a little bit of apathy. it helps to wash away the emotions. but don't let it become of you. apathy is just an escape. but if you do, you could never...

...learn from it. even though it's painful, there's always something positive that would come out from it. a failed relationship means that both parties made a mistake, so learn from it and avoid doing that mistake again.

...have faith. if you have a God (and I don't), seek help from it. and ALWAYS hope that you will have a brighter future ahead of you.

...be happy. yes that's right, be happy. if you TRULY love that person, it's his/her HAPPINESS that counts, even though it would make you suffer. be happy that he/she would now have a chance to find happiness that he/she has lost in you.

...be thankful. for having that person's love and care for a period of time. cherish the moments you've been together. finding REAL LOVE is hard, so be thankful that you have experienced it.

...let go. holding on isn't good. give that person his/her freedom. if that person comes back, then you and that person are really meant for each other. but if not, don't despair. life MUST go on.

(sorry if i have some grammatical errors... had smoked 2 packs of cigarettes and haven't slept for 36 hrs while i'm writing this... i guess my mind really flows when nicotine is on my brain, hehe)