The Economics of LOVE... and my final goodbye...

Now this is inspiration... alcohol and nicotine are together in my brain...

Economics of LOVE...

Can MONEY be REALLY be involved in a RELATIONSHIP??

Girls NATURALLY are KIKAY...

They always WANT to LOOK pretty/sexy...

You CAN'T take it OUT of them.. you just can't... culture and norms have already IMPRINTED that within them...

"May mga babae namang simple ha?"

Provide them the means... give them the money... THEY'LL TURN OUT TO BE THE SAME AS THE GIRLS I HAVE MENTIONED ABOVE....

Girls are more MATERIALISTIC than men... look at the number of their clothes? number of their accessorries?

If you can't PROVIDE them with want they WANT... they will JUST LEAVE YOU and FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL!!!

That's why there are DOMs remember....

Girls fantasize LAVISH CHURCH WEDDINGS... it's TRUE...

This would cost you about... hmm... PHP 400,000!!

If you DON'T HAVE THE MONEY, just GO HOME and SCREW YOURSELF...

Coz girls would just REPLACE you with someone who would give them THAT fantasy! A RICH and SUCCESSFUL person where they can find SECURITY!

Besides... they want to get MARRIED with their PRINCE CHARMING (rich noble blooded heir to the throne)!!!

You just can't blame them... THEY'RE JUST BEING PRACTICAL...

"May mga tao naman na may wagas na pag-ibig ha... na hindi tinitignan ang pera..."

Yes there are people who find TRUE LOVE... they are the DYING BREED... REALISM really KILLS IDEALISM... just can't find IDEAL people anymore... they're slowly being killed by the hellish nature of society...

You're just watching too much TV drama.. GET A LIFE!!!

It's either you're MAPORMA/POGI or MAYAMAN/SUCCESSFUL...

If you're one or both of those.. then you'll have a FIGHTING CHANCE...

If not... be prepared for a FUCKED UP life ahead of you...

Coz you're JUST LIKE ME... a FUCKING LOSER...

I'm NOT hitting on women per se... they are just victims of this DAMNED culture of ours...

I'm NOT being self-righteous... I'm just stating some facts...

Am I sounding like a SEXIST? I'm ACTUALLY turning out to BE LIKE ONE...

Coz that's what I'm gonna be after this FUCKING episode I went through...

"Sayang Jeff, ang tali-talino mo pa naman... bakit ka kasi hindi nakuntento? Bakit mababa pa rin ang tingin mo sa sarili mo? Lumagay ka sa lugar namin... malalaman mo na mataas na rin ang naabot mo..."

Yes, I was NEVER CONTENTED... I should have been CONTENTED when IT WAS TIME FOR ME to be CONTENTED.... but I didn't... why? COZ I'M STILL BELOW MY SELF PROCLAIMED STANDARDS!!!

Am I being TOO HARD ON MYSELF? NO I'M NOT! I HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL AND I DIDN'T USE THEM WISELY! I'M A VICTIM OF MY OWN MISTAKES! I'M THE OUTCOME OF MY WRONG DECISIONS!!!

I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE!

I ALWAYS HAVE DOUBTS IN MYSELF... INSECURITIES AND HOPELESSNESS PREVAILS IN ME... I CAN'T TRUST MYSELF IN DOING SOMETHING THAT'S BETTER FOR ME... I'M A COMPLETE FAILURE!!! I DON'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

ARE THESE THE CAUSE OF THOSE DEMONS??

The DEMONS?? The outcome of SELF DOUBT, INSECURITIES and PAST FAILURES? Yes THEY'RE IN ME. I LIKE THEM TO BE THERE IN ME. THEY HELP ME IN DOUBTING PEOPLE. I JUST CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY RIGHT NOW. THEY'RE THERE TO PROTECT ME FROM FURTHER PAIN.

And I'm a person of God. I have faith in HIM. I believe HE will guide and protect me. He will show me THE WAY... together with the DEMONS... I think GOD and DEMONS would work inside me HAND in HAND... Ironic isn't it?

Besides... I'm PLAYING with my DEMONS right now... at the FIERY PITS OF HELL INSIDE OF ME...

ARE THESE THE CAUSE OF MY IMPERFECTIONS?

Heck, NOBODY'S PERFECT! Only GOD is a PERFECT BEING. To have IMPERFECTIONS is NATURAL. I DON'T HAVE TO WORK MY WAY THROUGH IT. I'M ALREADY CONTENTED WITH IT. Besides, I'm too STUBBORN to CHANGE, I HAVE NO INTENTIONS TO AT LEAST STRIVE in BEING PERFECT. MY FLAWS ARE ALREADY IMPRINTED IN MY SOUL. IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME TO CHANGE. THERE'S NO HOPE FOR ME TO CHANGE. COZ I'M ALREADY CONTENTED WITH MY FLAWS.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, FINE... I DON'T CARE! I CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL... IF NOT, THEN FIND ANOTHER... (wash... rinse... repeat...) BUT I WOULDN'T GIVE ALL OF MY LOVE ANYMORE. I DON'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO GIVE IT ALL COZ I DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN. THERE ARE ALWAYS THESE DOUBTS IN ME, THAT MAKES ME DOUBT ANY PARTNER THAT I WOULD HAVE. I CAN'T TRUST THEM ANYMORE! COZ I KNOW SOMEDAY THEY WOULD JUST HURT OR LEAVE ME! I DON'T HAVE TO FORGIVE THEIR MISTAKES, COZ TRUST CAN NEVER BE REGAINED. THEY'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND MUST ACCEPT THE HARSH CONSEQUENCE. I DON'T BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES, COZ PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE ANOTHER CHANCE. MY IMPERFECTIONS JUST CAN'T ACCEPT THEIRS. BESIDES, I KNOW THEY WOULDN'T LOVE ME, COZ I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF! THEY CAN'T ACCEPT WHO I AM NOR MY DARK PAST! THEY JUST CAN'T! IF MY DEMONS TELL ME TO QUIT ON THE RELATIONSHIP, I WOULD! COZ I DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN! I DON'T WANT TO RISK IT ALL AGAIN!

I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE ME... COZ MY IMPERFECTIONS WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LEAVE ME...

I NEED SOMEONE WHO COULD CHANGE MY OUTLOOK IN LIFE... BRING ME OUT OF MY HELL HOLE AND MAKE ME SEE THE BEAUTY OF LOVE... OF LIFE... TO FINALLY MAKE ME REALLY HAPPY AND CONTENTED... MAKE ME REALLY LOVE AGAIN... WITHOUT DOUBTS AND FEARS...

Making your love one happy is glorious.... making your love one change for the better is divine... coz that's where he/she would find REAL and LIFELONG HAPPINESS... and that's the GREATEST love you can EVER give to a person...

In a relationship, you can't CONTROL your partner... you JUST CAN'T... Learn HOW TO REALLY TRUST. Yes I know, TRUST is the BASIS of LOVE... it's TRUE... But LOVE is the BASIS of a RELATIONSHIP... You just can't lose TRUST... think of it.. when you're already MARRIED, you JUST CAN'T GIVE UP on the RELATIONSHIP... you must have UNDERSTANDING... learn to TRUST AGAIN... learn to accept your partner's imperfections... besides, you just can't find a perfect person... looking for one would only let you down... let YOUR LOVE GUIDE your PARTNER... let LOVE CONTROL your partner...

Have FAITH in LOVE... believe me... it WORKS in MYSTERIOUS WAYS... Learn to LOVE freely and without doubts and fears... you can't have FAITH in your LOVE if you DON'T GIVE IT ALL... HOW CAN YOU FIND REAL LOVE IF YOU DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN IT?

Have FAITH in YOURSELF... YOU HAVE ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD INSIDE OF YOU... Learn to take RISKS again... Have COURAGE in REALLY LOVING a person.. by GIVING ALL that you have GOT... coz if you don't.. you're JUST CHEATING ON LOVE... How can you be LOVED if you're also giving love HALF HEARTEDLY? Don't let your doubts, insecurities and fears EAT YOU ALIVE. Don't let NEGATIVE EMOTIONS control you...

Have faith in GOD... He will guide you all the way... He would make things work out... He will give you STRENGTH... He will give you PATIENCE and UNDERSTANDING... He will make you LEARN HOW TO FORGIVE... I know you already know this things...

Am I being IDEALISTIC? Sometimes, you MUST BE. Because THESE IDEALISMS guide US to SURVIVE in the REALITY of LIFE... That's why we're RAISED in BELIEVING IN THEM...

Man's greatest happiness is being convinced that they are loved.... as they say... but you would be MUCH MORE HAPPIER knowing that you have GIVEN ALL YOUR LOVE... I know you would face heartaches... face pain and suffering... but the greatest challenge in life is learning to STAND UP again...

Look at me... I'm happy because I found the REAL LOVE in me... I'm already CONTENTED of knowing that someday, maybe with the help of this blog, my love would eventually change for the better... and then I know... she would have the LIFELONG happiness that she deserves... being LOVED by someone who she LOVES without the traces of fear and doubts... without the sense of insecurities... and that guy would eventually be the luckiest guy in the world... having and loved by the most wonderful WIFE in the world...

Call this martyrdom if you will... but I call it PURE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...

Because TRUE LOVE is a one-way street... Loving means never EXPECTING something in return...

I love her... that's why I want her to be happy... not a TEMPORARY ONE... but a LIFELONG ONE...

As I'm now on my way to RECOVERY...

And would now focus on my career... leaving my LOVE behind...

I'm satisfied... of having such emotions...of feeling such love in me... I had never imagined myself having this... indeed... love brings miracles...

But I guess I have to move on... and treat this experience as a cherished memory...

I hope that the ONE I LOVE reads this... coz I want to tell her...

Do you know why I love you? Coz I always see the innocence and sweetness in your eyes... it shows all the LOVE you can give that you're too afraid to show... the LOVE that you're always depriving yourself... I see the true beauty in you... the sweet old Bernadette that I once came to know way back in high school... yes you've changed... but I know your true nature is still embedded within yourself...

You have so much love in you... learn to give it all again...

Don't lose hope... you have a BRIGHT FUTURE ahead of you...

I wish that the pain you've inflicted on me reprieve all the sufferings you have encountered in your past...

Stand proud... chin up... don't ever ever look down onto yourself again...

And if you fail, cheer up... just think that there's always somebody out there loving you...

I hope you could reflect on my advices... all I want is your LIFELONG HAPPINESS... and you WOULDN'T GET THAT with your CURRENT OUTLOOK in LIFE...

Learn to change... please... I'm not saying this for myself... but IT'S for YOUR SAKE...

Believe me... you'll find the happiness and contenment you've long been searching....

I guess I'm breaking my promise of NOT ever leaving you....

Coz I'm now letting you go...

Don't worry... I won't bug you anymore... and I would never expect hearing from you again...

I love you Bernadette...

And thank you...

Have faith in yourself...

Have faith in LOVE...

And most of all... have faith in GOD...

Goodbye.