my everyday thoughts...

An Epilogue to a romantic relationship

2008-05-04T23:22:00.001+08:00

It's been a very long time since I've last posted a blog. I haven't been motivated to write things. There are lots and lots of ideas that comes to my mind, but I'm so lazy to write them down... hehe...

Anyway... I just want to share something I had in mind for a few months already...

When I was silent in the blogging world, I was busy with my lovely girlfriend... YES, I had a girlfriend... ^_^

We've been together for quite sometime... a year and a half actually... but we went our own separate ways because it's the best for both of us...

With that in mind... let me share some knowledge that I have gained...

1. LOVE is not the only factor in getting into a relationship. If you love someone, yet you think you two can't get together well, you can't stand each other's personality, you want that person to change and vice versa, then it is not logical if you two get together in a romantic relationship. It's already a losing battle to begin with. You may think that it's a good risk to get into, but in the end, you might hurt yourself and your partner. It's better to stay as friends. Besides, if you love someone, it's better to give that someone the happiness he/she deserves, even it YOU are NOT in it.

2. If you've been dumped (or your partner breaks up with you), and you want him/her back, don't be foolish to DO EVERYTHING just to get that person back. He/She has the right to have the decision to break up with you. And even if you do things (hurt yourself, disregarding your work, suicide, seek pity, etc) just to get that person back, and he/she gets back with you, it's NOT because your ex loves you, but because he/she doesn't want you to get hurt. Eventually, it might just lead to another breakup. A cycle would follow till you become matured.

3. Better accept the fact that the relationship already ended. You two have tried your best. It just wouldn't work out.

4. YOU CAN'T CONTROL PEOPLE TO LOVE YOU. You could only hope. And even if you have gained their affection, you must work for it to last.

5. If you love someone, set him/her free. You may not give her the love and affection he/she deserves. Accept your faults.
Accept reality.

6. Cherish the times you were together. Value your former relationship/s.

7. Learn from your mistakes. If there was a break-up, you two are at fault. Just don't let the same thing happen in your next relationship.

8. Sometimes, it's better to be single. You're free to focus on things that are more important (family, career).

I still love my former girlfriend... but I know she will be more happier without me around... I'm giving her more headaches and problems... ^_^

The Rat Race of Love

2006-08-10T21:01:00.000+08:00

Love, most of the time, is like a Rat Race...

In a wheel where a rat would run inside... going nowhere...

Like a cycle... endless... repeating...

You'll go in a cycle that goes like this...

1. Fall in love
2. Secure and be happy inside the relationship
3. Grow tired
4. Fool around or your partner fools around
5. Try to save the relationship
6. Give up
7. Dump or be dumped... plus the ensuing poetic dumping spiels... (i.e "we aren't meant to be" bullshits)
8. Wash... Rinse... Repeat

A friend of mine told me that we need to be in this cycle over and over again to find love. We can't give up on loving. We go back to the cycle to learn from it. And we won't let the same thing happen to us again...

Hmm...

If we have learned something from the cycle... we shouldn't go back to the same cycle again... coz if we did... we really didn't learn from the last one.

We go back to the cycle with new strategies... new knowledge... yet, we still go back to the same thing... and the same result...

I really pity those people who love just to be loved back...

They are easy pickings... they'll be easily used by the ones they like/love...

Why can't they have a strong and independent personality?

They just go again and again through the same cycle... without even knowing why they were used... or why the relationship didn't work out...

And they even defend their weak hearts when they were asked why they let themselves be fooled...

And after they were fooled... they just go back through the same process... never learning... never understanding the realities of life...

Sometimes... you just grow tired... and think you won't go back in the cycle...

Gonna take a rest from loving...

And then you see a beautiful being... the person you only could have dream of...

And then you realize... you fell for that person... and that person reciprocates your feelings...

And then you were happy... maybe you're in the happiest moment of your life...

You want that feeling to last "forevermore"... and asked that person, "how did you know, I needed someone like you in my life?"

(Was playing that two songs while i'm creating this blog... sorry for the song plugs)

And then... you wake up...

And it's all just a dream... that may not happen again...

You woke up thinking that you should go back... like (the late) Christopher Reeves did in the movie "Somewhere in Time"...

But to no avail... you won't...

You've came back in the cycle because you let it happen...

You've let yourself be fooled or hurt because you CONSCIOUSLY let it happen...

Sometimes... the stupid but resilient and stubborn heart wins against the reasoning of a logical mind...

Bummer...

A friend once told me that "you'll live longer if you have no emotions"...

I guess that's the way to go for me...

Like Robert Kiyosaki said...

"Go out from the Rat Race"

Super Hero Syndrome

2006-07-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

I have a yahoo messenger status since late last month that goes like this...

"Exists only when needed"

I always want to entertain everybody... get the people around me pleased...

I always want to help people out... give objective and sound advices... make a good legacy if you will...

I make some people special... be sweet to them as much as i can...

I always want to be remembered as a person that's very helpful, sweet, humourous and fun to be with...

But you know what... it sometimes takes it toll...

That the people that you help... will just leave you after you help them...

You sometimes feel that you don't get appreciated...

That you're just there to be USED...

When all you want to be is a good friend... or at least a good acquaintance...

Let's look at the definition of friendship in Wikipedia:

"Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behaviour between two or more social entities. This article focuses on the notion specific to interpersonal relationships. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them."

Nice definition from Wikipedia.

You must take note of the terms: co-operative, mutual, share, reciprocating...

Really... friends share a mutual understanding...

Or is the definition full of crap?

Let's see friendship in its raw form.

Very raw form.

You need friends for what?

To be pleased? To have activity partners? To have someone there to listen to you? To have someone to be with you and you'll not feel alone? Etc.

In short... you need a friend to be USED for something that you like to do/happen.

Don't burn me on this one... I don't intend to use the term USED in an immoral/bad manner... (or if you do... you're a shallow person and shouldn't be reading my blogs... ^_^)

In raw form... friendship is created due to the reason that people USE one another just to reach their simple goals (or even the bigger ones).

You can see it in practice... your so-called friends needs something from you... you give it to them... and when you ask something from them... sometimes they do... sometimes they don't...

It's up to the person if he/she would be USED by you... (vice versa)

Pathetic huh...

And then I look back at the definition of friendship... hay... it's just an idealistic definition...

Anyway...

You don't expect people to be pleased with you. You don't expect people to accept you fully.

You don't have to please everybody. You don't have to make everyone to accept you.

Everybody has their own way of thinking. That's why we're all unique.

But if you feel lonely because no one understands you, it's fine.

Because there's always someone who will...

It's yourself.

Sometimes... you can excel by doing things alone...

In the yahoo messenger status I've stated above... in the last few days... I have added a line afterwards that says...

"...the super hero syndrome"

Because super heroes exists... only if we need them...

Betrayal

2006-05-01T20:33:00.000+08:00

(Had smoked 4 packs of cigarettes in just 3 days... worked on a saturday and sunday... got only a one day vacation - labor day - for the three day weekend...)

I had a yahoo messenger status last week saying "Now i know that: TRUST is only a condom, JOY is only a bathroom tissue, HOPE is only a menthol cigarette, HAPPY is only a pack of salted peanuts".

Let's start with the JOY and HAPPY part...

Well.. having JOY and being HAPPY is really subjective...

You would have those for reasons that are really selfish to you...

Selfish? Even when you get happy by helping others or doing charity?

YES.

Remember, you have a certain sense of accomplishment (or whatever you would have) when you help someone. That reason alone is selfish (or self satisying), even though your act is not.

Speaking of selfishness... you'll also do things that would make you HAPPY even though you're already HURTING someone. Indeed, happiness can't be shared with others. The sole reason is that happiness is naturally selfish... you can't tell everybody to be HAPPY for you. Each and every person has an emotion. You can't CONTROL it (unless you corece them to).

HOPE...

Well... everybody has hope... may it be on love, career, etc.

I've already lost hope in getting married... or get someone to TRULY love me... well.. it's just a mindset.. I CAN LIVE MY LIFE ALONE...

Nowadays, I always play this song on my computer... it's entitled "Goodbye to Love"... sang by the Carpenters...

And it goes like this...

******************************************************************

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it.

So I've made my mind up I must live my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love.

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something I could live for.

All the years of useless search have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can.

What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that I've been wrong
But for now this is my song.

And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love.

******************************************************************

I just HOPE that my current mindset would last... I don't want to be with a girl that loves hurting me...

Last but not the least...

TRUST... my favorite condom... someone told me that 0.2 and 0.3 is even better... but I'll try those next time... ^_^

Anyway...

TRUST can be found anywhere... between family members, peers, love ones... anywhere...

You TRUST those who are close to you even more... you TRUST them NOT to severe your relationship (albeit friendship, love, etc)

But there would come a time that a person's HAPPINESS would totally damage or destroy the TRUST that you have for them...

Indeed... I already have destroyed some ties because of this...

I'm a LOYAL person... and I want LOYALTY from my peers...

But... when someone breaks my TRUST... I totally destroy the link between me and that person (or group)...

I don't have grudges... I just don't forgive...

You would be just foolish befriending someone who has already severed your trust to him/her...

But then again... if you love that person... you would do foolish and irrational things....

And those foolish and irrational things would only be justifiable in a CLOUDED mind...

For several days already, my yahoo messenger status says "The Final Jeopardy category is: 80s movies. The answer: This 1983 film was directed by David Hugh Jones and starred Jeremy Irons, Ben Kingsley and Patricia Hodge".

To those trivia freaks like me... they would get the correct response to that Jeopardy answer.

But to those who aren't, there's always google...

Anyway.. the correct response is...

"What is BETRAYAL?"

Johari and Nohari Windows

2006-04-29T16:37:00.000+08:00

Care to answer my Johari and Nohari Windows?

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

You can answer my johari window by going to the link below:

http://kevan.org/johari?name=jepoy+seracarpio

The Nohari Window is a challenging inversion of the Johari Window, using antonyms of the original words. By describing your failings from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of perceived and unrecognised weaknesses can be explored.

You can answer my nohari window by going to the link below:

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=jepoy+seracarpio

Thanks to those who have answered both windows.

I won't get swept by this current Pacquiao craze...

2006-01-24T20:12:00.000+08:00

Pacman just sent Morales to the canvass this past weekend. His 10th round KO to Morales tied their career series to 1-1.

(By the way, when Quinito Henson yelled "Round 11!"... it made me think why the hell is he still commentating on things... it's like when he said in his sports column why the hell did McGrady fouled Kobe (and then said many bad things about Tracy in that column) to tie up the 2003 NBA All-Star Game to take away Jordan's heroic shot in the end of the regulation... when it was Jermaine O"Neal who fouled Kobe... NOT T-Mac... another thing... is it right for him to start interviewing the first gentleman while Mr. Arroyo is still on the phone saying goodbye to his wife??? Where is his respect for privacy!?!?)

Anyway, Pacquiao's gallant and courageous performance in the bout deserves honor... but not this kind of magnitude. He's touted as a National Hero??? (backed up by the Arroyo Administration...)

And one sports analyst (Hermie something) said the Pacman is the GREATEST Filipino boxer ever??? Spitting on the grave of the late great Gabriel "Flash" Elorde and Pancho Villa???

How about other former Filipino world boxing champions such as Luisito Espinosa?

Pacquiao isn't even a World Champion right now... he only holds an International Title Belt...

He should unify the world title belts in his weight class to be #1 in his division... (or at least have two...)

And yet we treat him as a "God-like" hero???

How about Efren "Bata" Reyes... who won the World Pool Championships... and was a former world #1 in 9-ball and 8-ball... or Paeng Nepomuceno... who won four World Cups... both were #1 INTERNATIONALLY in their respective sports... they were WELL-REKNOWNED WORLDWIDE (Bata, at one time, is feared and highly respected by almost all of the US and European cue masters)... do they deserve better honor than by what Manny is having right now???

Bata and Paeng were humble in their triumphs... never had that kind of celebrity status like Manny has right now... they prefer to have their privacy than letting the government use them (and their triumphs)... and not be SOOOOOO exposed by having so many commercials... and tv guestings...

If Pacman lost to Morales... he would be like those old Filipino great boxers... lost and forgotten... like the Espinosas... Peñalosas...

I'll just wait for that to happen...

If a Filipino would win a Major International Golf Tourney.. or a Major International Tennis Tourney... or win the World Pool Championships again... or the World Cup of Bowling... or any World Championships... or win an Olympic Gold Medal... they should be honored MORE than Pacman...

Because they became NUMBER ONE in their sport...

Unless, of course... Pacman could unify the title belts...

If Manny Pacquiao wasn't SO DAMN EXPOSED by the press (and the government)... I would have liked him...

Having a cold, cold Christmas...

2005-12-23T16:06:00.000+08:00

"My idea of a perfect christmas... is to spend it with you..."

Ahh... my favorite christmas song... "Perfect Christmas"... a great song from Jose Mari Chan...

A song of someone longing to spend christmas with someone special to him/her...

Hay...

There comes a time that someone special to you would leave you... temporarily... permanently...

You wish you could be with him/her again... specially this time of the year...

But it's just wishful thinking I guess...

What a time to become single again...

Hay...

Christmas won't come to me this year...

It shouldn't come... atheists don't celebrate christmas anyway...

And I don't have any more reason to celebrate it...

It's just another day of the year...

I'll just wait for the sun to finally set on me...

2005-11-03T14:25:00.000+08:00

sometimes we just have to be courageous enough to face the reality and learn to accept it...

for we sometimes hope for some false hopes to happen...

but we have to be brave enough to accept what we are...

and what we would become...

so i guess...

it's better for me to be off alone...

i've given all the love i could give...

and eventually... i just can never get the love i seek...

better not to seek for it then...

coz it would just become a cycle...

it's better to avoid it than seeking a cure...

sometimes, we must accept our fears rather than face them...

i've learned a lot from all my experiences... i guess it's better for me to stop this endless cycle of seeking love... when the love i was seeking is the love that i have for myself...

Ghost of Past Love

2005-11-02T20:00:00.000+08:00

A typical love story goes like this:

- Boy and girl fell in love... mostly it's their first love...

- Boy and girl had a wonderful romantic relationship

- Some problems came into their relationship and broke it

- Boy and girl each found another love

- Eventually, they tend to fall into each other arms again

- Their other loves who are "fill-ins" goes by the wayside

- Boy and girl live happily ever after

How I wish this situation is common (and realistic).

Most writers who create these things should be put in a firing squad or be hanged.

They just poison people of believing in some "perfect" romance that is realistically difficult to happen.

But let's put ourselves in that situation.

If you're that Boy or Girl in that love story, would you go back to a past love?

Would you let bygones be bygones? And start loving a past lover who in some way or another, didn't fought for the relationship to work?

As I've said in an old blog of mine, relationships end when it's BOTH of the parties surrender to work out their differences and breaks the relationship apart.

But if you do come back to your past love... how about your "fill-in" lover?

You know what... it's better to be true to yourself...

If you REALLY do love your past lover...

Come back to him/her...

Don't mind your "fill-in" partner...

If that person really loves you... he/she would do what makes you happy...

Ah… the spoils of love...

Besides... it's better for me to love rather than to be loved...

I've learned...

2005-04-28T18:27:00.000+08:00

(this one came from a website forwarded to me by my old UPD collegemate Randy G.)

Some things that need to be thought about...

I've learned - that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I've learned - that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned - that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned - that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.

I've learned - that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned - that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned - that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

I've learned - that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned - that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I've learned - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned - that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned - that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned - that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned - that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned - that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned - that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned - that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.

I've learned - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned - that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned - that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned - that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned - that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned - that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned - that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned - that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned - that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned - that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned - that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

I've learned - that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.

I've learned - that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned - that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned - that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned - that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.

I've learned - that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned - that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned - that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned - that although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.

I've learned - that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

Closing Cycles (by Paolo Coelho)

2005-04-18T18:37:00.000+08:00

here's one made by Paolo Coelho... i'd like to share it with you guys...

*************************************

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it
is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Maturity in Relationships

2005-04-06T13:51:00.000+08:00

(got this one from a friendster bulletin board post from an old college orgmate of mine... just wanna share...)

Maturity in Relationships
by Larry James

LoveNote. . . To be capable of real love means becoming mature, with realistic expectations ofthe other person. It means accepting responsibility for our own happiness or unhappiness, and neither expecting the other person to make us happy nor blaming that person for our bad moods and frustrations. ~ John A. Sanford

Maturity, in general, is many things. Maturity in a love relationship is everything! First it is the ability to base a decision about a love relationship on the big picture - the long haul. In general, it means being able to pass up the fun for the moment and select the course of action which will pay off later.

In a love relationship, it means being able to enjoy the instant gratification that comes with the romance of the moment while knowing the best is yet to be and being patient while you watch your love grow. It is knowing that by working together, the state of unconditional love will presence itself in the relationship and will mature with time. It is knowing that you grow into a love relationship. It doesn't happen all at once. Mature love partners seek new ways to help each other grow.

One of the characteristics of infancy is the "I want it now" approach. Grown-up people can wait. And often they don't. Often they allow themselves to slip back into infancy so they can justify rushing into things.

Maturity is the ability to stick with a project or a situation until it is finished. It means doing whatever it takes to make the relationship be one you are proud to be in. The adult who is constantly changing jobs, relationships, and friends, is in a word. . . immature. They cannot stick it out because they have not grown up. Everything seems to turn sour after a while.

LoveNote. . . For a love relationship to mature, both partners must experience a deep feeling, a tacit belief, that there is something quite special about them which would never have happened had each not contributed to its creation.~ Larry A. Bugen

Mature love partners have learned not to expect perfection in each other. They know that acceptance has its own reward. Each lover's differences test the other's capacity for acceptance, forgiveness and understanding. They never dance around issues. When necessary, they discuss their imperfections, lovingly, with care not to pass judgment with harmful words. Acceptance and tolerance hold hands in the presence of unconditional love.

Mature lovers -- lovers who love unconditionally -- develop a knack for side- stepping resentment and focusing on the good they see in one another. They have evolved to a higher level of understanding, one that transcends taking notice of the imperfections of the other.

Maturity is the capacity to face unpleasantness, frustration, discomfort and defeat without complaint or collapse. Mature love partners know they can't have everything their own way. They are able to defer to circumstances, to other people - and to time, when necessary.

Mature love partners permit each other the freedom to pursue their individual interests and friends without restriction. This is when trust presents itself. Mature love allows this level of separateness to bring lovers closer together. In this scenario separateness is perceived as a bond, not a wedge. It encourages love partners to celebrate their own uniqueness.

LoveNote. . . We can come to realize that mature love equals loving yourself for being what you are, and likewise loving another person for who they are. When we can feel such unconditional no-matter-how-you-act love, we have learned what I call mature love. Mature love allows you fully to be yourself with your loved one. ~ Bruce Fisher, Ed.D.

Maturity is the ability to live up to the responsibilities of a love relationship, and this means being dependable. It means keeping your word; it means living in your relationship like your word really means something. Dependability equates with personal integrity. This means no withholds. It means saying what needs to be said, with love. Do you mean what you say? Do you say what you mean?

The world is filled with people who can't be counted on, people who never seem to come through in the clutches people who break promises and substitute alibis for performance. They make excuses. They show up late - or not at all. They are confused and disorganized. Their lives are a chaotic maze of unfinished business and uncommitted relationships. Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

LoveNote. . . Mature love offers us our most profound opportunity for regaining wholeness - not because our partners will fill all of our emptiness, but because we can use the embrace of a loving relationship to nurture ourselves toward greater maturation and ripening. ~ Larry A. Bugen

Maturity is the ability to make a decision and stand by it. Immature people spend their lives exploring endless possibilities and then do nothing. Action requires courage. There is no maturity without courage.

Maturity is the ability to harness your abilities and your energies and to do more than is expected in your relationships. The mature person refuses to settle for mediocrity. They would rather aim high and miss the mark than aim low and hit it.

just when i thought everything is fine...

2005-03-29T05:41:00.000+08:00

depression sets in again... sheesh!!!

i just don't know why...

maybe the constant haunting memories of my ex-gfs... (i'll trade those memories for ANYTHING!)

or just maybe my yearly bad mood every summer... (i just wish there's no summer here in the philippines... i just HATE it!!!)

but in any case, it makes me lose focus on my objectives for this year...

damn!!! i want to have a vacation in Paris in the near future... wah!!!

got no inspiration for a love theme blog post this time... sorry...

still haven't received my Mensa exam result via mail... got to have that for my lifetime membership (read: 3 years)

damn it!!! i just can't think straight!!!

i'll just get a job that will make me lose my emotions... hay...

as said by Scarlet O'Hara in the last line of the movie "Gone with the wind"...

"Tomorrow is just another day..."

loving someone destined not to be mine...

2005-03-23T03:47:00.000+08:00

finally! i'm gonna post something again in my blog... it's been a long time since my last entry... it was early feb right? anyway, been so many of you readers who misses my posts already... hehe... anyway, thanks for waiting... i hope you, my avid readers, won't lose interest in my blogs...

sorry that i didn't post for about a month... been busy with some exams... the Mensa qualifying exam (yes!!! i'm finally qualified!!!) and the professional civil service exam (opening my options on working in a government office... got to start my political career... hehe).

hmm... most of you want a love theme blog again... hmm... it's hard to stay with that theme... haha!! got not much inspiration though...

well... anyway... good news!! i've already moved on... i fell in love again... with someone i've been in love before..... wah!!!

well... she is a DEAR friend of mine... someone who knows me inside out... she could easily read my mind and anticipate what's my next move.... she knows me THAT WELL...

maybe some of you know her already... hehe...

i saw her again late january in some gathering... we haven't seen each other for quite a while... been missing her companionship...

and then BOOM... my former lost affection just sprout like the flowers in springtime (is that a good analogy?)

and after that... she's always on my mind... she was my inspiration...

besides, she's an epitome of my standards... high iq, authoritative, successful, independent, conservative (yes, i like conservative people... believe me...)

she was an inspiration... not only as what i would like to be my wife... but also as what i also like to be... she's living a life i would like to have...

but then of course... i KNOW that she can't be mine... (pure logic tells me so...)

i only want to show my affection... i REALLY don't want her to like me... i just want to give LOVE... not receive it... (loving her means that i must see to it that she must NOT have a husband like me... hehe)

besides, she's a GOOD friend...

would i sacrifice our friendship for a selfish act of courting her?

NO i wouldn't...

coz her friendship means so much to me... i'd rather have her as a friend...

she's a living embodiment of my dreams...

indeed... you can't have EVERYTHING you like in this world...

but as of now...

she'll be my inspiration...

she will ALWAYS be...

as i always hope for a message from her everyday (she's in another country right now)... which i'm sure would make me happy...

but alas... it's just another false hope to begin with...

and now i'm back to being myself again... back to the realities of life...

at least she's inspiring me to become more than myself...

got to achieve things in the little time i'm giving myself...

to her... thanks for your friendship...

and... i love you...

after friendship comes PROFESSIONALISM...

2005-02-03T01:07:00.000+08:00

Note: As per request by my old UP orgmate Lyra after I wrote my last blog, I'll deviate my next blog from the traditional love theme. Anyway, this blog is about handling work.

This was taken from my memo to my subordinates in mid-2001, when I was still the president of the Junior Philippine Computer Society AMA Makati Chapter (I resigned after 5 months because I was already a Philippine Computer Society member 2 months after I took office).

***********************************************************************************

I know some of us are still afraid of responsibilities, I know that some of us are still raw, I know we are afraid that we would make mistakes, but these mistakes gives us important things… lessons. Always remember that wisdom comes from experience.

It’s better to make mistakes now and learn from it, rather than make it later in your life, when it really matters.

But for your every action comes RESPONSIBILITY; you must bear the consequences of your action. Don’t expect your boss to be happy when you make a mistake. You will hear many things from your colleagues, superiors, and your subordinates, things that are against you, things that are said behind your back. Don’t let it bring you down. It is very frequent in company offices and other organizations that you should get used to it. But rather than be angry about it, challenge yourself. Make them realize that they’re wrong, and after they realize it, admiration follows. Another thing that you should have is INTEGRITY. Stay firm in your decisions. As much as possible, if you think you’re right, fight for it, but if you’re wrong, accept it wholeheartedly. But in the first place, you should know what is the right thing to do. Always use TACTICS and STRATEGY; it will help you a lot.

When you become a company/organization officer, remember this: you rather have a set of subordinates who are irate with each other and doing their job than having a set of subordinates who are in harmony but don’t do their job.

"When dealing matters pertaining to work or an organization, treat each other as colleagues, not as friends."

The bottom line is that WE MUST DO OUR JOB.

As one of my colleague said, "As friendship ends, comes professionalism."

The courage of facing LONELINESS...

2005-01-27T01:06:00.000+08:00

(I'm inspired even though i haven't smoked a lot... just watched an episode of "Friends", the episode where Rache and Ross broke up... and I'm currently listening to the "Sound of Music" soundtrack... I really love classic movies...)

I'll start by this thought:

"To love means you must have courage... for it opens you to hurt... coz when it fails, you fall flat on your face..."

Yes it's true... to love means you gotta have guts... and be ready to get hurt...

But this blog is NOT actually about NOT to love.

This blog is about NOT to be in a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.

As I've said in my blog "The Fallacy of Love": loving is used for a SINGLE person... when two people LOVE each other, it's already called a romantic relationship.

People nowadays, especially the young ones, fell in love because they NEED to be secure. They NEED someone to call their love/honey/sweetheart/gf/bf. They NEED someone to hug them, someone to kiss them, someone to LOVE them.

They go into a relationship just because of selfish reasons. They just need a stable companion.

They NEED to forget their LOST love... a REBOUND... or they get in a relationship with a person because that person loves them... and they just love in RETURN...

They get into a relationship because of the ASPECT of LOVE..

They tend to forget that the MAIN reason for having a relationship is really... to LOVE that person.

They then justify their relationship by learning to LOVE their partners. But do they really learn to love?

People are hard to get contented. They have their own standards of a PERFECT partner. Like Prince Charming, or a Princess.

But hey, let's be realistic... it's HARD to find someone like that!

So when they are in a relationship, they first justify that by learning to love their partner... then all is fine...

But then... after a while.. they see their partner's IMPERFECTIONS... then they tend to justify again...

And then they can't accept their partner's faults...

Then they will find someone/something new... they get tempted in finding someone/something else...

Then they fall out of love...

Wash, rinse, repeat...

The loop of love... "a lifetime venture"... a lifetime of foolishness...

And people DO this for their SELFISH reasons... their self-satisfaction... self-preservation if you will... and then justify it because of self-righteousness...

And they DO this WITHOUT even a single consideration for their partners...

They search for their OWN happiness... not minding their partners' happiness...

Loving is giving your partner's happiness.. am I right???

Sheesh...

It's better to be an ATHEIST and have MORALS than a "believer" that has NO MORALS...

If a person YOU LOVE can't be yours, BE CONTENTED...

And DON'T EVER FORCE YOURSELF TO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE...

Don't get tempted in someone who LOVES you...

Don't FALL for the TRAP of LOVE just because you NEEDED to...

It's courageous to love...

But it's MORE courageous to face LONELINESS...

For you will face the torment of living alone... without someone to love... someone loving you back...

And that takes a LOT of guts...

Learn to LOVE someone and NOT having them...

Than "loving" someone just because you needed to...

Because really.. you'll be easily tempted... and you will be the cause of a failed relationship...

It's better to be ALONE than hurting another person...

IT'S BETTER TO BE LONELY THAN BREAKING SOMEONE ELSE'S HEART.

"When you promised to love, refuse to let it die..."

Sheesh, tell THAT to the Marines... coz most of the time, that PROMISE will be broken...

(Thanks Lourdes and Meech for inspiring me on this one.)

insights lifted from 'love notes'

2005-01-17T17:29:00.000+08:00

note: this post is from a friendster bulletin board post of my ex-gf (bernadette). althought it doesn't reflect my stand about love (i'm already finished with that aspect of my life... anyway, read my post "Fallacy of Love" for my explanation of love), i see this fit for those people who needs to be enlightened by how love works. i hope you'll learn from this, and don't be too stubborn like me... besides... i've already have my mindset on how i would live my life... ^_^

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
(insights lifted from 'love notes')

when you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure. but when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher.

in the game of love, it doesn't really matter who won or who lost. what is important is that you know when to hold on and when to let go.

you know you really love someone when you want him/her to be happy. even if their happiness means you're not part of it.

everything happens for the best.

if the person you love doesn't love you back, don't be afraid to love someone else again. for you willnever know unless you give it a try.

you will never love a person you love, unless you risk for love.

love strives in hurting.

if you don't get hurt, you won't learn how to love.

but love doesn't hurt all the time.

though the hurting is still there to test you; to help you grow.

don't find love, let love find you.

that's why it's called "falling in love," because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall.

you cannot finish a book without closing its chapters. if you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.

love is not destroyed by a single failure, or won by a single caress.

it is a lifetime venture-- in which we are always loving, discovering and growing.

the greatest irony of love is: letting go when you need to hold on; and holding on when you need to let go.

we lose someone we love only when we're destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves.

on falling out of love, take some time to heal and then get back on the horse. but don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time.

to love is to risk rejection. to live is to risk dying. to hope is to risk failure.

but risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is risk nothing.

to reach for another is to risk involvement. to expose your feelings is to expose your true self.

to love is to risk, not to be loved in return.

how to define love: fall, but do not stumble. be constant, but not too persistent. share, and never be unfair. understand, and try not to demand. hurt, but never keep the pain.

love is like a knife. it can stab the heart, or it can carve wonderful images on the soul that always lasts for a lifetime.

love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. it should inspire you and give you joy and strength. but sometimes, the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end.

loving people means giving them the freedom who they chose to be and where they chose to be.

for all the heartaches and the tears. for gloomy days and fruitless years. you should give thanks. for you know, these are the things that helped you grow.

loving someone means giving him/her the freedon to find his/her way-- whether it leads towards you or away from you.

love is a painful risk to take. but the risk must be taken, no matter how scary or painful. for only then would you experience the fullness of humanity-- and that is love.

"only love can hurt your heart. fill you with desire and tear you apart. only love can make you cry. and only love knows why."

if you're not ready to cry. if you're not ready to take the risk. if you're not ready to feel the pain. then you are not ready to fall in love.

there was a time in our lives when we became afraid to fall in love, because everytime we do, we get hurt.

then i figured, that is why it's called falling in love...

when you decide to love, allow it to grow.

when you promised to love, refuse to let it die...

a new year... a new lease on life...

2005-01-16T07:34:00.000+08:00

(my new year friendster profile)

got back from HELL...

like a PHOENIX... reborn...

i'm glad it happened on my REAL birthday...

with a RENEWED focus...

and GREATER strength...

the WORLD will now be my stage...

where I could show my POTENTIAL...

gone are the days of petty LOVE...

for my REAL HAPPINESS doesn't lie on that...

now it's time for me to prove...

what really is...

MY SELF-WORTH...

Fallacy of LOVE

2005-01-02T06:06:00.000+08:00

(just finished smoking a half pack of Marlboro Menthol... can't sleep even though the sun is already on its way up... drinking a hot choco because the weather is too damn cold... just finished reading the book "Rich Dad Poor Dad"... and a black cat is sleeping on my lap... these are my inspirations for this blog...)

Let me start by asking... what is LOVE?

Some say it's a give and take relationship...

Some say it's the basis of marriage...

Hmm...

To me.. it's this...

And I'm gonna START being IDEALISTIC on this one.

Love is a ONE WAY STREET...

Huh? One way??

Yes, ONE WAY.

A Half-Duplex in networking communication terms.

When you LOVE someone, it's the welfare of that person that YOU should keep in mind.

Especially that person's HAPPINESS.

Why is that?

Well... PURE (and UNCONDITIONAL) LOVE means that you SHOULD care for that person, give WILLINGLY to that person's desires, let that person have FREEDOM to reach his/her DREAMS and AMBITIONS.

When that person has those things, that person would have his/her HAPPINESS.

Is this martyrdom?

Actually, YES.

But what about YOURSELF?

Now this is where TRUST and FAITH comes in.

You must TRUST that person to LOVE you back.

You must HAVE FAITH in that person to LOVE you back.

And believe me, you can't CONTROL a person, for that person has his/her own characteristics and beliefs that made him/her an INDIVIDUAL.

It's like the FUTURE... you CAN'T control it... the only thing you can control is your REACTION to it.

Is LOVE a give and take relationship?

Nope.

You call that a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.

Or in other words, "They LOVE one another".

Love is in a FIRST PERSON point of view. It's SUBJECTIVE. You know you're in LOVE, but you just don't REALLY know if your partner is REALLY in LOVE with you.

That's why SOME relationships don't work. Because they REALLY are NOT in LOVE with each other.

When you go into a relationship, think of these:

1. Could you REALLY make that person HAPPY?
2. Could that person REALLY accept YOU for what you really are (vice versa)?
3. Could that person be a part of your AMBITIONS/DREAMS?

The last one is a selfish question. Because you REALLY can't hold on to a relationship when YOU are NOT really HAPPY. You could get easily tempted by things that could break the relationship. Because contentment can't REALLY happen when you can't even reach HAPPINESS.

And CONTENTMENT is the final goal in a relationship.

"I'm HAPPY when he/she is HAPPY"

Bummer.

Humans are naturally selfish.

It's HOW you control that selfishness is what really matters.

Too much selfishness breaks up the relationship.

Understanding one another is the KEY.

Have an open line of communication. Know your partner's WANTS. Let it GUIDE you to yours. MEET HALFWAY.

And ALWAYS, have an OPEN MIND.

Have FAITH in yourself to REALLY love that person. Have FAITH in your LOVE to that person. Have FAITH in GOD and HOPE that the person you LOVE gives the same LOVE back.

You should ALWAYS think that the relationship is IMPORTANT.

If you don't, LOVE would wane.

But IF a relationship fails, don't despair.

It's EITHER you made it fail, or that person made it fail, or both. (and DON'T let it be YOU)

It fails, because there was a FLAW in your LOVE for each other.

And when it does, the relationship wasn't MEANT to be.

And lastly, LEARN from IT. (Winners are NOT afraid to LOSE. Because LOSING makes them much SMARTER.)

just another damn birthday...

2004-12-31T01:01:00.000+08:00

my baguio trip didn't pushed through because of unforeseen circumstances... (sheesh, may utang ka sakin Richard)

12 midnight... started the day talking with a friend on the phone... giving some tricks and strategies on courting... well... have to teach it rather than applying it... besides... my courting days have already passed... have to focus on my career... (failure in love means success in career)

man's greatest happiness is the aspect of being loved...

NOT...

man's GREATEST happiness is having proven one's self-worth!

besides.. i'm NOT searching for LOVE anymore... i'm happy when SHE is happy... that's all that matters... no more selfishness nowadays... got to secure my family's future rather than myself...

every soul has a story to tell, hearing those stories enriches our lives...

so better help people by sharing my experiences rather than helping myself... besides... it's my legacy that's important to me... my goal now is to touch other peoples lives...

i could still remember a reflection activity in my leadership training in baguio back in 2000... we reflected on our funeral... thinking who are those people who would go into our funeral... i may wish i have a funeral like FPJ's, but i wish that those people i have helped throughout the years would come... and other UNEXPECTED people...

by the way, thanks to those UNEXPECTED people who have helped me in my depression... Sam, Andrea, Ryan and his wife Margie, Edward thru Mariacia's friendster bulletin board, and of course... the only person i have talked to when i was all alone this past christmas... Vicky (o hayan, special ka ha... besides, yan na rin yung yearly call ko sayo, hehe... ask my UP friends why Vicky is special...)

and of course, my friends who were there for me this december (Rom, Alex, Sheila, Angelo, and my guild in Iris pRO... kulang pa inuman natin, hehe)

anyway... back to my birthday timeline...

1:30 am... finished the call... (using military analogy for my friends courting activity, yun gamit namin eh) there was some warning shots fired... the enemy has a good defensive stance... launched an airstrike to soften up the defense before the siege... but the bombs missed their strategic targets... might have a long campaign to invade Mother Russia... can't have a decisive victory like Gettysburg... fearing that there may be a defeat like Waterloo...

anyway...

after the call... been online for a while... edited some of my blogs... created a picture blog (jseracar2.blogspot.com)... searching a friend in ym which i can talk to... but no one's online... sheesh... played some ragnarok... not much to do... had 8 sticks of Philip Morris... can't sleep with nicotine on my brain...

slept by 7 am...

woke up in 2 pm... have to go to my shop... have to make a monthly accounting report...

at least there's some birthday food... a spaghetti made by my mom... can't cook my carbonara though... my family doesn't eat spaghetti noodles in white sauce... haay....

edited my multiply account... i've been having that account since august, and i haven't even edited my profile there... friendster is much more better...

4:30 pm... on my way to anonas...

5:45 pm... prayed at St. Joseph's Shrine... been thankful to the Lord for giving me another year... besides, i always pray at that church whenever i'm going to my shop... (to those who are shocked that i'm not an atheist anymore... well... i'm also shocked... haha!)

6 pm... at my shop in anonas... played some ragnarok while getting the accounting info... have to be in glorietta by 7...

7:30 pm... at last i'm in glorietta... first stop: National Book Store...

i'm planning to buy myself some gifts... especially the two books on my wish list

1. 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
2. Rich Dad Poor Dad: What the Rich teach their Kids about money - that the Poor and Middle Class do not! by Robert Kiyosaki

interesting to note though, that THESE are business related books...

anyway... 7 Habits costs P495 at National, Rich Dad at P319... better check the Powerbooks price...

passed at Filbars... bought a Ragnarok Juno Guide and the FHM December issue... i guess no one's gonna give me a gift for my birthday... even for christmas... sheesh!!!

had a birthday dinner alone... don't want to be with anybody right now... anyway.. i've dined at Red Ribbon... had my fave cake.. Chocolate Mousse!!! (yummy)

on to Powerbooks Greenbelt 4... bought the Rich Dad Poor Dad book... same price as National's.... but the 7 Habits.. sheesh!!! costs P795!!! (paperback pa ha!)

got back to Glorietta 4 to refill my lighter... and then to Greenbelt park... planned to have a nightcap at Starbucks GB3... but my mind is already spinning from 10+ sticks of Marlboro Menthol... anyway... my stock is already thin... so i've bought a new pack at Ministop so that i could still smoke at my bedroom...

went home by 10 pm...

10:30 pm... online again... testing my father's digicam (which will be passed to me...).. posted the computer and digicam pics on my blogs...

problem with yahoo messenger status.. can't have a link status without a www... so i immediately registered at smartdots.com to have a free domain... and then redirect it to my blogspot account...

12 am... finished with my damn birthday... loneliest birthday ever... but it's ok... at least i'll have a better one next year... no way to go but up...

to those who have greeted me... thanks...

and thanks for reading my blogs.. hope my stories could help you... c,")

Pre-Christmas jitters...

2004-12-22T15:28:00.000+08:00

(this is my christmas season friendster profile)

had experienced the joy of life

cherished the moments that I could only have dreamed of

saw the life I wish I could have

had the love I have always wanted

have given love more than I thought I could

being so close of finally settling down

like a fairy tale ending, live happily ever after

and then I found out that it's all just a dream

that reality always kills the fantasy

because life is not perfect

realized that searching is not meant for me

for the traumatic memory still lingers

I now accept the fact that I would live my life in solitude

being contented, deprived of happiness

and now, I really know

that whatever comes my way

I will never ever love this way again...

The GREATEST gift that you can give to someone is a HEARTBREAK, because you're setting that person FREE from a FALSE LOVE

The Economics of LOVE... and my final goodbye...

2004-12-12T18:26:00.000+08:00

Now this is inspiration... alcohol and nicotine are together in my brain...

Economics of LOVE...

Can MONEY be REALLY be involved in a RELATIONSHIP??

Girls NATURALLY are KIKAY...

They always WANT to LOOK pretty/sexy...

You CAN'T take it OUT of them.. you just can't... culture and norms have already IMPRINTED that within them...

"May mga babae namang simple ha?"

Provide them the means... give them the money... THEY'LL TURN OUT TO BE THE SAME AS THE GIRLS I HAVE MENTIONED ABOVE....

Girls are more MATERIALISTIC than men... look at the number of their clothes? number of their accessorries?

If you can't PROVIDE them with want they WANT... they will JUST LEAVE YOU and FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL!!!

That's why there are DOMs remember....

Girls fantasize LAVISH CHURCH WEDDINGS... it's TRUE...

This would cost you about... hmm... PHP 400,000!!

If you DON'T HAVE THE MONEY, just GO HOME and SCREW YOURSELF...

Coz girls would just REPLACE you with someone who would give them THAT fantasy! A RICH and SUCCESSFUL person where they can find SECURITY!

Besides... they want to get MARRIED with their PRINCE CHARMING (rich noble blooded heir to the throne)!!!

You just can't blame them... THEY'RE JUST BEING PRACTICAL...

"May mga tao naman na may wagas na pag-ibig ha... na hindi tinitignan ang pera..."

Yes there are people who find TRUE LOVE... they are the DYING BREED... REALISM really KILLS IDEALISM... just can't find IDEAL people anymore... they're slowly being killed by the hellish nature of society...

You're just watching too much TV drama.. GET A LIFE!!!

It's either you're MAPORMA/POGI or MAYAMAN/SUCCESSFUL...

If you're one or both of those.. then you'll have a FIGHTING CHANCE...

If not... be prepared for a FUCKED UP life ahead of you...

Coz you're JUST LIKE ME... a FUCKING LOSER...

I'm NOT hitting on women per se... they are just victims of this DAMNED culture of ours...

I'm NOT being self-righteous... I'm just stating some facts...

Am I sounding like a SEXIST? I'm ACTUALLY turning out to BE LIKE ONE...

Coz that's what I'm gonna be after this FUCKING episode I went through...

"Sayang Jeff, ang tali-talino mo pa naman... bakit ka kasi hindi nakuntento? Bakit mababa pa rin ang tingin mo sa sarili mo? Lumagay ka sa lugar namin... malalaman mo na mataas na rin ang naabot mo..."

Yes, I was NEVER CONTENTED... I should have been CONTENTED when IT WAS TIME FOR ME to be CONTENTED.... but I didn't... why? COZ I'M STILL BELOW MY SELF PROCLAIMED STANDARDS!!!

Am I being TOO HARD ON MYSELF? NO I'M NOT! I HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL AND I DIDN'T USE THEM WISELY! I'M A VICTIM OF MY OWN MISTAKES! I'M THE OUTCOME OF MY WRONG DECISIONS!!!

I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE!

I ALWAYS HAVE DOUBTS IN MYSELF... INSECURITIES AND HOPELESSNESS PREVAILS IN ME... I CAN'T TRUST MYSELF IN DOING SOMETHING THAT'S BETTER FOR ME... I'M A COMPLETE FAILURE!!! I DON'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

ARE THESE THE CAUSE OF THOSE DEMONS??

The DEMONS?? The outcome of SELF DOUBT, INSECURITIES and PAST FAILURES? Yes THEY'RE IN ME. I LIKE THEM TO BE THERE IN ME. THEY HELP ME IN DOUBTING PEOPLE. I JUST CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY RIGHT NOW. THEY'RE THERE TO PROTECT ME FROM FURTHER PAIN.

And I'm a person of God. I have faith in HIM. I believe HE will guide and protect me. He will show me THE WAY... together with the DEMONS... I think GOD and DEMONS would work inside me HAND in HAND... Ironic isn't it?

Besides... I'm PLAYING with my DEMONS right now... at the FIERY PITS OF HELL INSIDE OF ME...

ARE THESE THE CAUSE OF MY IMPERFECTIONS?

Heck, NOBODY'S PERFECT! Only GOD is a PERFECT BEING. To have IMPERFECTIONS is NATURAL. I DON'T HAVE TO WORK MY WAY THROUGH IT. I'M ALREADY CONTENTED WITH IT. Besides, I'm too STUBBORN to CHANGE, I HAVE NO INTENTIONS TO AT LEAST STRIVE in BEING PERFECT. MY FLAWS ARE ALREADY IMPRINTED IN MY SOUL. IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME TO CHANGE. THERE'S NO HOPE FOR ME TO CHANGE. COZ I'M ALREADY CONTENTED WITH MY FLAWS.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, FINE... I DON'T CARE! I CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL... IF NOT, THEN FIND ANOTHER... (wash... rinse... repeat...) BUT I WOULDN'T GIVE ALL OF MY LOVE ANYMORE. I DON'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO GIVE IT ALL COZ I DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN. THERE ARE ALWAYS THESE DOUBTS IN ME, THAT MAKES ME DOUBT ANY PARTNER THAT I WOULD HAVE. I CAN'T TRUST THEM ANYMORE! COZ I KNOW SOMEDAY THEY WOULD JUST HURT OR LEAVE ME! I DON'T HAVE TO FORGIVE THEIR MISTAKES, COZ TRUST CAN NEVER BE REGAINED. THEY'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND MUST ACCEPT THE HARSH CONSEQUENCE. I DON'T BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES, COZ PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE ANOTHER CHANCE. MY IMPERFECTIONS JUST CAN'T ACCEPT THEIRS. BESIDES, I KNOW THEY WOULDN'T LOVE ME, COZ I CAN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF! THEY CAN'T ACCEPT WHO I AM NOR MY DARK PAST! THEY JUST CAN'T! IF MY DEMONS TELL ME TO QUIT ON THE RELATIONSHIP, I WOULD! COZ I DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN! I DON'T WANT TO RISK IT ALL AGAIN!

I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO LOVE ME... COZ MY IMPERFECTIONS WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LEAVE ME...

I NEED SOMEONE WHO COULD CHANGE MY OUTLOOK IN LIFE... BRING ME OUT OF MY HELL HOLE AND MAKE ME SEE THE BEAUTY OF LOVE... OF LIFE... TO FINALLY MAKE ME REALLY HAPPY AND CONTENTED... MAKE ME REALLY LOVE AGAIN... WITHOUT DOUBTS AND FEARS...

Making your love one happy is glorious.... making your love one change for the better is divine... coz that's where he/she would find REAL and LIFELONG HAPPINESS... and that's the GREATEST love you can EVER give to a person...

In a relationship, you can't CONTROL your partner... you JUST CAN'T... Learn HOW TO REALLY TRUST. Yes I know, TRUST is the BASIS of LOVE... it's TRUE... But LOVE is the BASIS of a RELATIONSHIP... You just can't lose TRUST... think of it.. when you're already MARRIED, you JUST CAN'T GIVE UP on the RELATIONSHIP... you must have UNDERSTANDING... learn to TRUST AGAIN... learn to accept your partner's imperfections... besides, you just can't find a perfect person... looking for one would only let you down... let YOUR LOVE GUIDE your PARTNER... let LOVE CONTROL your partner...

Have FAITH in LOVE... believe me... it WORKS in MYSTERIOUS WAYS... Learn to LOVE freely and without doubts and fears... you can't have FAITH in your LOVE if you DON'T GIVE IT ALL... HOW CAN YOU FIND REAL LOVE IF YOU DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN IT?

Have FAITH in YOURSELF... YOU HAVE ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD INSIDE OF YOU... Learn to take RISKS again... Have COURAGE in REALLY LOVING a person.. by GIVING ALL that you have GOT... coz if you don't.. you're JUST CHEATING ON LOVE... How can you be LOVED if you're also giving love HALF HEARTEDLY? Don't let your doubts, insecurities and fears EAT YOU ALIVE. Don't let NEGATIVE EMOTIONS control you...

Have faith in GOD... He will guide you all the way... He would make things work out... He will give you STRENGTH... He will give you PATIENCE and UNDERSTANDING... He will make you LEARN HOW TO FORGIVE... I know you already know this things...

Am I being IDEALISTIC? Sometimes, you MUST BE. Because THESE IDEALISMS guide US to SURVIVE in the REALITY of LIFE... That's why we're RAISED in BELIEVING IN THEM...

Man's greatest happiness is being convinced that they are loved.... as they say... but you would be MUCH MORE HAPPIER knowing that you have GIVEN ALL YOUR LOVE... I know you would face heartaches... face pain and suffering... but the greatest challenge in life is learning to STAND UP again...

Look at me... I'm happy because I found the REAL LOVE in me... I'm already CONTENTED of knowing that someday, maybe with the help of this blog, my love would eventually change for the better... and then I know... she would have the LIFELONG happiness that she deserves... being LOVED by someone who she LOVES without the traces of fear and doubts... without the sense of insecurities... and that guy would eventually be the luckiest guy in the world... having and loved by the most wonderful WIFE in the world...

Call this martyrdom if you will... but I call it PURE AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...

Because TRUE LOVE is a one-way street... Loving means never EXPECTING something in return...

I love her... that's why I want her to be happy... not a TEMPORARY ONE... but a LIFELONG ONE...

As I'm now on my way to RECOVERY...

And would now focus on my career... leaving my LOVE behind...

I'm satisfied... of having such emotions...of feeling such love in me... I had never imagined myself having this... indeed... love brings miracles...

But I guess I have to move on... and treat this experience as a cherished memory...

I hope that the ONE I LOVE reads this... coz I want to tell her...

Do you know why I love you? Coz I always see the innocence and sweetness in your eyes... it shows all the LOVE you can give that you're too afraid to show... the LOVE that you're always depriving yourself... I see the true beauty in you... the sweet old Bernadette that I once came to know way back in high school... yes you've changed... but I know your true nature is still embedded within yourself...

You have so much love in you... learn to give it all again...

Don't lose hope... you have a BRIGHT FUTURE ahead of you...

I wish that the pain you've inflicted on me reprieve all the sufferings you have encountered in your past...

Stand proud... chin up... don't ever ever look down onto yourself again...

And if you fail, cheer up... just think that there's always somebody out there loving you...

I hope you could reflect on my advices... all I want is your LIFELONG HAPPINESS... and you WOULDN'T GET THAT with your CURRENT OUTLOOK in LIFE...

Learn to change... please... I'm not saying this for myself... but IT'S for YOUR SAKE...

Believe me... you'll find the happiness and contenment you've long been searching....

I guess I'm breaking my promise of NOT ever leaving you....

Coz I'm now letting you go...

Don't worry... I won't bug you anymore... and I would never expect hearing from you again...

I love you Bernadette...

And thank you...

Have faith in yourself...

Have faith in LOVE...

And most of all... have faith in GOD...

Goodbye.

On the ROAD to RECOVERY...

2004-12-11T16:25:00.000+08:00

Friday, 4:30 pm... I'm buying my favorite drink at Starbucks... Chocolate Cream Frappuccino Venti...

Ahh... I'm gonna spend some quality time with my good old high school and college buddy, Philip Morris (TM), at the balcony of Starbucks Glorietta 4... (Yes, this is my favorite brand of cigar... I used to smoke about 40 sticks A DAY in early 1995... in 1996, when my grandfather died, I puffed 2 sticks simultaneously... haha!! Thanks for making me remember this Jan Adelle! Had a 6-year no-smoking period after 1997... in those years, I smoked 10 sticks max a year...)

I have a nice place though.. at the middle of the balcony near the ledge... I can see the dark clouds in the horizon past the Ayala MRT Station... gazing at the new SM Makati and of course the beauty of Hotel Intercon and Oakwood Hotel... down below the ledge, there's the memorable Oakwood Park which where I used to hang out almost everyday a few years ago... ahh.. brings back memories of yesteryears...

Sheesh!! I had a long walk from Glorietta to Mozcom office and back (that's 2 km) just to pay for the Internet connection bill of my shop... with blisters at my feet provided by my new CATTERPILLAR safety shoes. (Remember, safety shoes are NOT used for walking LONG distances... although I've used those kind of shoes in the majority of my college years...)

Ouch, my body is still hurting caused by my gym sessions... at least my muscles are firm now (maybe caused by the muscle-enhancing drugs I'm taking)... and I have a nice posture caused by my arm stiffness (I can't even stretch my shoulders!). I can still remember 10 years ago, I used to barbell squat with 100 lbs and bench press 80 lbs with ease, 15 reps, 3 sets.. now I can't even do 10 repetitions of bench press with 40 lbs... waah!!!

Down below, there's a mini-event at Oakwood Park which I didn't get interested... but I saw some wall-climbing events. Makes me remember back in 1994, in our C.A.T. Live Fire Exercise in Ternate, Cavite (read: firing a gun with LIVE ammunition) with an M-16 Carbine targetting a can 15 feet from the beach. Before that session, we climbed a 25ft 80-degree cliff with one rope (no harness)... now that's easy! Going down is VERY DIFFICULT for me... I still can't rappel properly... waah!!

Sheesh!! It's hard being depressed... Now I know the feeling of my other ex-girlfriend... I now EMPHATIZED her for having lived in a hell-hole that I'm experiencing now... I now know the life of a person being replaced... (oops... hmm... is she gonna read this? She still don't know that there was a third party involved in OUR breakup... hehe... maybe NOT.. besides... she's HAPPY right now... and there's NO WAY we're gonna get together again...)

Going back... while I'm waiting for my female friend... and having a quality time with good ol' Philip Morris, I just can't stop contemplating...

As my dear colleague Rom said to me a few months back... "Pare, after 5 years, I want US to spend our nightcaps in a posh coffee shop... talking about our careers and businesses...."

Now that's more like it... I can now focus on something else... MY CAREER!!!

It gave me another reason for moving on... which I almost forgot... MY DREAMS... MY CAREER PLANS... (I've been too blinded by the concept of settling down... I almost forgot my career... hehe)

Hey Aki, are there any posh coffee shops there in Singapore that you, your brother Angelo, Rom and I could spend some quality time when we're ALL TOGETHER there? I plan to go there in 2 years MAX...

Ahh... now THIS is life... having a cold coffee in one hand... and talking money-making strategies and technical issues with high-IQ people... Can't get enough of it... It makes my mind work... which is the BEST part of me... MY BRAINS!!! (Can I donate my brain when I die? My lungs are slowly being burnt, my heart is wasted, my eyes are near-blind, and my kidney... I don't know.. even though I had a gf doctor, I haven't let her check on my kidneys...)

5:00 pm... still no sign from my friend... but I'm getting a hang on my hobby when I'm in Makati... BABES WATCHING! (next time, I won't use the term BABES... it reminds me of someone... waah!!)

Have a group of Assumption girls two tables in front of me... together with their hip-hop friends/dates... just can't stop thinking of the generation gap... "puro PORMA wala namang ALAM"... they are the EPITOME of BEAUTY WITHOUT BRAINS... hahah!! (sorry for that, i'm just a discriminative person... meant no offense)

Even though I don't like students with uniforms.. I just can't stop doing what I'm always doing since my high school days... SEEING BEYOND the UNIFORM!!! hehe... I'm checking their bra size/brands... checking their panties and see if they wear thongs... (just can't get enough of those thongs... seen them with cover... without cover.. and seen them without IT... hahaha!!)

Ahh... after a few minutes.. they left... ok.. a Paulinian replaced them in the table... nice view.. c,")

Sheesh!! Two teen girls blocked my view... about 3 feet away from me... sheesh!! At least they provided me with close-up body viewing... seen both with cup-B bras... the other one having a white panty with pink stripes coming out of her pants... hehehe...

Wow... a lone busty girl with a frapp in her hand is looking for a place to sit... hmm... I've always want to approach those kind of girls and say "Hi, can I hold this for you?"... NOT the frapp ha!! The BOOBS!!! hehe.. Sometimes I want to be a brassierre... :p

As Rom said... "If you're in a BIG company and you're bored of seeing the same kind of things everyday... go to the MARKETING Department... you'll appreciate the BEAUTY of nature"

Haha!! If there's a PRETTY marketing executive who has an IQ of 130 plus... I'll go for it.. :p

Ahh... the pleasure of being SINGLE...

No limits... no boundaries... no burden of someone always checking up on you... no curfews... no fear of doing something that might cause jealousy....

No one to care for you... no one to love you... waaah!! (I'm getting overboard here!!)

Yes, being SINGLE... that's what I'm gonna work on... Besides, it's been THREE YEARS since the last time I was single... been in a relationship ever since...

7:00 pm... two and a half hours of waiting... on to my 15th stick... and then my friend came... and she has a GIFT... plus she promised to TREAT me for DINNER... now that's good... I should always be heartbroken hehe...

On to my dinner at Food Choices... at our favorite place near the window overlooking Intercon... brings back memories of our "barkada" (read: a group of friends... have to translate in english for those foreign readers... hehe)

Ahh.. good ol' barkada memories... had fun while it lasted... it ended when one of us became a traitor... (you know, a boy and a girl in a barkada... the boy likes the girl... girl don't like the boy... another boy from the barkada acted as a bridge... and it all ended up with the bridge and the girl being together... hehe... Don't ever EVER get in a relationship with a barkada member... the future of the barkada is AT RISK...)

The TRUST never again came back and then POOF... the group dissipated...

As one of my barkada said when asked if our group could get together again... "We MUST move on with our lives... Even though I've already forgiven them, deep inside.. it HASN'T..."

You can't TRUST if there's no TRUE FORGIVENESS...

TRUST is GAINED... and that takes time... it's hard... but that's the challenge...

"Thanks for making me learn how to TRUST again..." -- a text from my ex-gf after we reconciled (?)

I wish I could say those words in the near future...

If you've been in a situation like I had, having only a few steps in settling down, and then abruptly being left behind... I guess you'll be TRAUMATIZED as I am right now...

I just can't TRUST anybody right now... including MYSELF...

I can't TRUST myself to love again.. coz the TRAUMA would only let me SCREW UP the relationship...

I can never TRUST my partner again... coz I'm afraid that I might be AGAIN in the SAME situation like I'm in right now...

I've posted my blogs so that you could LEARN from my MISTAKES... don't EVER EVER do what I have done...

I just want you guys NOT to experience what I'm experiencing right now... I guess that's all I can do... SHARE my KNOWLEDGE...

9:30 pm... got to get home... Have to type this blog soon...

Hmm... I wish I had this writing talent before.. I might end up being a spot column writer... hehe...

Or write a book... have a "Catcher in the Rye" (my favorite novel)... part TWO...

Besides... I'm like Holden Caufield (the main character in that book)... same ideas.. same philosophies...

Heck...

While I'm walking back to Landmark to get a ride home...

I'm preparing myself for my future... for my dreams... my ambitions...

No time for love... have to move on without it... (on sex... hmm... that's different.. hehe)

As said in Economics... after depression comes RECOVERY...

With a little bit of hope (I guess deep inside I still have that LOVE for HER in me)...

And a renewed focus, vigor and strength...

I'm prepared for the future...

COME WHAT MAY...

The POSITIVE ASPECTS of being HEARTBROKEN...

2004-12-10T19:22:00.000+08:00

Hmm.. another blog again... thanks for reading my blogs though... I REALLY appreciate it when someone has the time to check on my blogs... it makes me think that someone still CARES for me... hehehe... I HOPE...

Besides... it's mostly english... so nakakatamad basahin... it's LONG pa... But I take pride in my WRITINGS.. :p

Not much inspiration again... had not smoked for a WHOLE DAMN DAY... coz I have no cigars, but I will buy some tom... my body still aching from my gym session (yes, i have a gym session EVERYDAY... I'm releasing my anger by PUMPING IRONS... hahaha)... and my right upper leg still has numbness...

Have to shift focus to myself... she REALLY emphasized that I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER... that's why she'd replaced me with another man as fast as the speed of light... waaah!!!

I guess LOVING is NOT the only reason for a successful relationship.. I guess it's PRACTICALITY AS WELL... (you can't get your love one happy and contented if you're a LOSER LIKE ME...)

My mission now, is to get back to my POWERLIFTER FORM from TEN YEARS AGO.. yes people... I WAS A POWERLIFTER BEFORE... been in a weightlifting class...

Have diet.. (I'm only eating 2-3 cups of rice at lunch, and only 2 sandwiches at dinner... no more breakfast...)

Be busy in my work/business (have to find a job... maybe a lucrative one... I was left because of this... can someone help? hehe)...

And MAYBE another CHANCE... (!?)

Well, while WAITING for SOMETHING that's VERY IMPROBABLE TO HAPPEN (like waiting for a gift from santa?? hehe.. geez.. have to believe in SANTA CLAUS now... coz it's like believing that MY LOVE would RETURN to me.. hahaha)... got to release some thoughts...

I'm done with my anger... done realizing the negative side of things...

Now let's go to the POSITIVE ones...

Hmm... are there REALLY any POSITIVE ASPECTS in BREAKING UP?

Hmm...

"You would only learn to love someone when they are not around." -- from a text by my lovely ex-gf.

Indeed, you could never REALLY appreciate someone when they are always with you. People tend to take things around them for GRANTED, even the ones they love. It's not that they don't LOVE them, it's just that they seem to look past them when trying to find MORE happiness. People do have difficulty in finding contentment.

And now... sadly... I had loved HER even MORE when we're NOT TOGETHER... waah!!!

"I then realized... I really love her... no matter what... not waiting to be loved back... coz I really am in love..." -- from the ym status of the current president of my former org in UPD.

Love would WORK when it's TIME for it to WORK... -- from my lovely ex-gf's blog

Maybe it's REALLY NOT YET TIME for us... (with wishful thinking...)

Maybe she needs to be WITHOUT me for her to realize that she loves me... (damn wishful thinking again...)

Maybe I need to be WITHOUT her for me to realize HOW MUCH IMPORTANT she is to me... (have that already...)

Well.. that's ALL MAYBE...

Coz I'm guilty of having wishful thoughts...

"KUNG KAMI, KAMI".

When heartbroken, talk to female friends more than male friends...

Coz male friends would only say... "Pre, wag mo nang isipin yan... inom na lang tayo and manood ng SHOW"... hehe

But indeed... I have found some male colleagues of mine who gave their 10 cents worth of opinions...

Like Aki... he made me realize that I could help someone by posting my realizations... haha... Thanks Aki! (And thanks for reading my blogs... i'm glad I could be of help...)

And Aki, yes it's NOT LIKE ME... kakagulat no? I have this kind of emotion deep within my heart all the time... and it is awakened by the RIGHT GIRL at the WRONG TIME... waaah!! (wishful thinking AGAIN!!!)

Pati nga MAMA ko nagulat sakin eh... ngayon lang nya akong nakitang MA-INLOVE... tapos ngayon lang niya akong nakita na NADEPRESSED... hahaha!!!

LEGAL kasi yung relationship eh... waaah!!!

And my good old colleague Sam.. and his almost the same philosophy as mine...

"People help because they have problems that needed to be solved in them as well. You could help yourself by helping someone else." -- from Sam

That thought made me remember my IDEA of friendship... (can't divulge, Out of Topic)

Thanks Sam!!!

Female friends get you another side of things... the emotional aspect... the same point of view of your LOVE ONE.

They are the ones that you should talk to after breakup... it gets you to see what an ASSHOLE you really are... hehe...

Kidding aside, they are the ones who would help you realize on things... (I realized mine from a girl... my LOVELY EX-GF... waahh!!)

Yes.. a POSITIVE effect of BREAKING UP is that you'll learn and realize things...

Why do people have to realize things when it's already too late???

As I prepare for a COLD COLD CHRISTMAS... I will leave you guys with a thought...

As my ym status says...

The only POSITIVE THING in BREAKING UP is that YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO BUY AN EXPENSIVE GIFT FOR XMAS... c,")

But then.. I still plan to buy and mail her the book I promised of giving her this XMAS... It's not that expensive though... Will buy that from the money I've saved for our ENGAGEMENT RING... (waah!!! why do things get bad when you're near the aspect of marriage... it really shows that i'm NOT gonna get married someday... a HARSH reality that I have to accept...)

Loving is INDEED a one-way street...

The DARKER side of REALIZATIONS...

2004-12-09T17:20:00.000+08:00

The sole purpose of this blog is to release my anger. If reflection is one of the things that helps me to move on... anger is another. Besides... as I've said before... you need to have an outburst...

Got not much inspiration though.. had only 5 sticks of Marlboro Reds, my body still aching from my gym session, plus the numbness of my upper right leg (3 days already). Can't go to the doctor to have a check-up... i'm TRAUMATIZED by doctors... believe me... i don't have TRUST on THEM anymore....

Hmm.. am I unfair for GENERALIZING?

We all have our prejudices... I guess I have added another one to my list...

Besides... prejudices can EASILY be removed... right??

Like for example... you could say that "I don't TRUST MEN anymore!! Manloloko silang lahat!!!"

And then after a few days... ayun.. may boyfriend na...

Sarap kainin ng sinabi no...

You just can't TRUST what people say...

One thing I've learned is to NOT BELIEVE IN DAMN PROMISES.

If you can't keep a PROMISE... then don't make it in the first place. Sheesh!!!

Don't say your SORRY if you have broken a PROMISE... believe me... you're NOT worth it.

So if you don't want to hurt a person by giving him/her false hopes... DON'T PROMISE.

Anyway... it's nothing for me.. coz I wouldn't believe in a DAMN PROMISE anyway....

The BASIS of LOVE is TRUST... yes... it's true...

But don't make it an EXCUSE...

If you REALLY love a person, you would know how to GIVE ANOTHER CHANCE. Why? Because it's for the SAKE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. If you WANT the RELATIONSHIP to LAST, you SHOULD MEET THAT PERSON HALF WAY (and I know the person who taught me THIS, sheesh!).

Or is it just a REVENGE?

I know, I'm the one who's at FAULT here... coz I'm the ONE who had left her before... but we RECONCILED... right? FORGIVENESS is a BIG FACTOR in RECONCILIATION... NOT PITY...

But hey? Do you REALLY NEED to get REVENGE to a person that you VALUE? (I didn't used the term LOVE here... I guess she never REALLY had LOVED me ... coz I'm JUST a "minor love" to her... only a stepping stone...)

NEVER GIVE UP if you VALUE the RELATIONSHIP.

Giving up means TWO things....

1.) you don't love that person anymore

2.) you already FOUND another

You've fallen OUT OF LOVE by the DEMONS inside you?

The DEMONS? Those TINY LITTLE DAMN DEMONS?

You should KNOW that the DEMONS are there to KEEP YOU IN DOUBT, KEEP YOU FROM SEEING THE BEAUTY OF LIFE. If you're a GODLY person, you should know that!!! (What an IRONY!)

And yet you're HAPPY by being DEFEATED by THOSE DEMONS? SHEESH!!!

LOGIC tells that if it's not premise 1, it SHOULD be premise 2.

I was left because there's SOMEONE ELSE.

Now I know, that REALLY LOVING SOMEONE doesn't necessarily mean that YOUR PARTNER WOULD ALSO GIVE YOU THE SAME AMOUNT OF LOVE.

I was a FOOL to LOVE that much...

Besides, to really LOVE someone, you must give it unconditionally, without expecting anything to be given back. And it's true, the GREATEST HAPPINESS in life is to be convinced that you're being loved. -- from my friend Aki

And what happened made me realize...

That I'm just a trash... an insecured DAMN trash...

And this adds to my INSECURITIES, huh...

As my friend Aki said, "When you realize that you don't really matter to someone, you wonder if you matter to anyone."

I guess I must now get back to my shell... coz it's the only place I know that my pride and dignity wouldn't be destroyed.

Yes LOVING is a risk. And I risked all that I've got for it...

But sadly.. I lost...

Ahh.. ANGER... such a sweet emotion...

But you know what?

Even though she caused me so much PAIN??

I STILL FORGAVE HER.

Why? Coz deep inside, I'm STILL the FOOL who LOVES her SO MUCH...

As I go back to my shell... I'll leave my gates open for HER... coz even though I've already stuffed my mind with hopeless thoughts... deep inside.. I still have that DAMN LITTLE hope....

And I know that i'll REGRET this someday...

The last thing I want to share with the people who are reading this....

DON'T BE A FOOL LIKE ME.

And to the ONE who's the SUBJECT of my anger...

Please UNDERSTAND me... I'm just releasing my anger... TAO LANG PO AKO... MAY PUSO'T DAMDAMIN...

NASASAKTAN DIN PO AKO....

And DON'T SMOKE... you're HAPPY now right? I'm the ONE who SHOULD smoke... coz I was the ONLY ONE who had FELT the HEARTBREAK...

Things I have learned from Bernadette...

2004-12-08T17:18:00.000+08:00

Even though it's hard for me to accept... but love really has departed me... and one of the things that would help me recover is to reflect....

Yes, I love her... I really do...

That's why I'm giving SO MUCH importance to her...

And yet... sadly... she can never be mine...

But before I move on, I want to share some things she had taught me along the way...

***********************************************************************

"Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift" -- from her blog

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches" -- from her blog

Maybe it is. Almost all of us had suffered from love before. Almost all of us regained our bearings and moved again in life. But always remember the things you have learned from those experiences. And when you find the person that you really love, be thankful for the past that you have had and practice the knowledge that you have gained from that past.

***********************************************************************

"In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away. Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with whom everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose." -- from her blog

One reason why love failed is because it is not yet time. People love without realizing if they are really prepared for it. They just fall in love because they needed to be loved. And that spells doom. Never EVER fall in love for the sake of your own security and happiness. But hey, you need to have failed relationships in order to become wise.

***********************************************************************

"Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will." -- from her blog

Learn to be contented with the one you love. He/She may not be PERFECT, but still, she's the one for you. Call it fate if you will. Readiness ALWAYS comes after contentment. I know that, believe me... I've already FELT that.

***********************************************************************

"scared, i gave up the fight which, in my heart i know, determines my future happiness. thinking, with all the pain that i have gone through i could no longer take another blow... so i tried to forget" -- from her blog

"you don’t need to be loved and be wanted… you’ll just end up hurting…" -- from her blog

"but w/ all the growing demons in my soul & the turmoils of my heart, i could not risk loving him the way i have loved before. " -- from her blog

THIS IS IMPORTANT>>>>>

Loving is taking risks. We're afraid of getting hurt. But if you REALLY love someone, you'll take ALL the risks. The demons left by the past will always make you fail to see the love you're having. Be strong to take the demons HEAD ON. They are DEMONS, remember? They are there to bring DOUBT in you. We all have these demons. And you won't get CONTENTED and HAPPINESS without being victorious against it.

"To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt. -- Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved." -- from my friend Michael Jude "Aki" Suarez on his friendster profile... thanks for acknowledging me in your profile Aki.

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"with little of the faith that remains in me, i pray for a miracle. a miracle of love... that though lost souls that we are, roaming in this vast desert of doubt, insecurities, falsehood & pain, may we find a path that would lead us both to each other. & i will never let go of ur hand, never again." -- from her blog

I am guilty that I'm still holding on. Maybe it's the only way for me to live. I know it's wrong, but it's the only thing that keeps me believing that I'll have a brighter future. As my favorite quote says "The end justifies the means - Niccolo Machiavelli", living is my end objective, hoping is my means.

But don't be a fool like me who believes in this.

Holding on will only make you close your eyes on the beauty of life. Holding on would only let you live a false hope. Learn to love again. Learn to live. It takes time, yes. But still, have patience. You never really know what happens next.

"Minsan, iniisip natin na mag LET GO... na mag MOVE ON... Iniisip pa lang natin, nasasaktan na tayo... What if we walk or talk to finally LET GO... BADTRIP!!! Masakit di ba? It breaks your heart even more kung alam mo sa sarili mo na, sobrang LOVE mo sya... Like, you've sacrificed A LOT!!! Marami ka nang nagawa na di mo nagagawa sa iba... Pero di niya lahat nakita yun! he/she's so blind to see and so deaf to hear!!! Why? Ewan ko ba...kung bakit may mga tao na... Sobrang... MANHID!!!!! Or probably nagmamanhid manhidan lang! Dahil ba... HINDI ka talaga niya GUSTO or IBA ang MAHAL niya... Hindi mo tuloy alam if you should let go of your feelings for him/her once and for all... As I've said... Mas madali siguro mag-LET GO if you know he/she doesn't give a thing about you... Syempre kung meron...hindi niya pababayaan na MAWALA ka... But if you think...OK lang sa kanya yun... Don't be a FOOL!!! LET GO... How would you fight for THE ONE you LOVE? MAHAL mo nga pero habang ipinaglalaban mo naman siya... ipinaglalaban niya din yung taong MAHAL NIYA!!! What are we to do? E ganyan talaga! REALITY BITES, as the saying goes... MASAKIT, MAHIRAP, PARANG di MO MAKAKAYA... OO, that's NORMAL sa pag LE-LET GO. Sometimes...you'ld really want to forget all the hurt and convince yourself that YOU'LL BE LOVING HIM/HER NO MATTER WHAT, COME WHAT MAY, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! Ang nakapagtataka pa dun...bakit ayan ka na naman.. di mo naisip... NAPATAWAD mo siya agad at nakalimutan ang sakit... PERO WALA NAMAN SiYANG GINAGAWA... WALA SIYANG GINAGAWA KUNDI SAKTAN KA!!! ang mas masakit pa dyan... THE DANG CYCLE GOES ON AND ON AND ON... Paulit-ulit lang yan.. OK.. Palusot ng IBA... pag mahal mo, di ka magsasawa... KAMOTE!!!!! C'mon!!! MAGSAWA NA tayo sa MGA SAKIT na binibigay nila!!! THINK GUYS!!! kung gano natin sila kamahal... GANUN DIN nila tayo sinaktan... mahal ba natin sila dahil ganun sila? o ganun sila dahil ALAM na mahal natin sila?!!!" -- by Mariacia from her friendster bulletin post

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"I love you, profoundly and completely. And I always will." -- from her yahoo profile

Ouch! Self-realizations really hurts. When you find true love, always... ALWAYS... love that person profoundly and completely. Never ever take love for GRANTED. If the love failed, never EVER lose respect on that person. You would know you really LOVED that person if there is still RESPECT to that person after the love has lost.

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"One must not rely fully on logic to explain another's action/past. Sometimes love is needed. For with love, comes understanding. Logic, like science and all other things associated with this world, is finite. It has boundaries, may be lacking in some areas. In a relationship, logic is wanting. For there are some things that could not be explained by logic. Thus, love is needed. Where logic and explanations stops, there love and understanding continues." -- from her one and only letter to me

Even if I'm logical person, I was touched by this one. Truly, love can't be explained by logic. Love is an emotion. Don't ever love a person for personal advancements. Love a person for who he/she really are. Don't use your mind, use your HEART. Happiness wouldn't come if you ONLY use your mind. For HAPPINESS is an emotion, it can't also be explained by logic.

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"Your love for me will lead you back to GOD, you will because we will be together for a long time" -- she said to me after we reconciled

And I guess she really did lead me back to GOD. I've been in much more tougher situations than this, yet I don't really needed to search for GOD. It really needed someone who's important to me that would let me find GOD again.

Have faith. Have faith. Believing in yourself is good, but don't let it leave just like that. Find someone to hold on to, someone who could give you the strength in times of trouble. Someone who may give you hope. Someone who could give you miracles. Always thank HIM. Always do. The hardships that you had encountered helped you become a better person. Thank HIM for the life that you have got.

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"You'll love someone else, but NOT the same as your LOVE for me" -- she said after the breakup

Hmm... thinking... thinking...

Yes love is different in every relationship that you would have. But don't be too naive to love less every time.

But for me... I don't know...

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"Thanks for loving me so much" -- she texted after the breakup

Knowing that you've loved someone so much is very heart-warming. Even if it fails, you know that you did ALL you could. Be satisfied with what you have done, yet strive to be better the next time.

You may never know that you've already exceeded your personal limitations once you give it all.

I know... I did that already.

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She would have been my fiancee, she would have been my wife...

And yet...

It'll never be...

All I could do now is to cherish her inside of me...

And honor her by doing the things she had taught me...

Yes she had left me...

She had left me... a BETTER man...

Thank you Bernadette.

"When you finally realize you didn't matter at all to someone, you begin to wonder if you matter to anyone." - from my friend Aki

A LOVE guide... hope it would help you...

2004-12-05T18:14:00.000+08:00

If you REALLY love SOMEONE...

...love that person more than yourself. don't love that person for a certain reason (money, fame, pity, etc.) except REAL LOVE. needing/wanting that person doesn't tell if you really love him/her. you don't seek LOVE to satisfy your own interests. instead, it should be YOU who would satisfy that person's security and happiness.

...be contented. accept his/her faults. for that person is only just a human being, having imperfections. understand that person's philosophies, for it is the basis of his/her character. a change for the better is good, but make that person realize it by himself/herself. have loyalty.

...that person's past shouldn't matter. be thankful that the person you're loving was an outcome of all the experiences he/she had in the past.

...have TRUST. the basis of LOVE is TRUST.

...fight for it. never ever take LOVE for granted. give IMPORTANCE to the relationship.

But if there comes a time when a relationship fails...

...have an outburst. anger is natural, coz it is the 1st defensive mechanism of a person. but don't let yourself engulf into it. don't let the suffering and pain destroy you.

...cry. it's healthy. it washes away all the sadness in you. let the tears lessen your self-anguish. don't blame yourself nor that person. a relationship lasts if both of the parties wants it to last.

...have a little bit of apathy. it helps to wash away the emotions. but don't let it become of you. apathy is just an escape. but if you do, you could never...

...learn from it. even though it's painful, there's always something positive that would come out from it. a failed relationship means that both parties made a mistake, so learn from it and avoid doing that mistake again.

...have faith. if you have a God (and I don't), seek help from it. and ALWAYS hope that you will have a brighter future ahead of you.

...be happy. yes that's right, be happy. if you TRULY love that person, it's his/her HAPPINESS that counts, even though it would make you suffer. be happy that he/she would now have a chance to find happiness that he/she has lost in you.

...be thankful. for having that person's love and care for a period of time. cherish the moments you've been together. finding REAL LOVE is hard, so be thankful that you have experienced it.

...let go. holding on isn't good. give that person his/her freedom. if that person comes back, then you and that person are really meant for each other. but if not, don't despair. life MUST go on.

(sorry if i have some grammatical errors... had smoked 2 packs of cigarettes and haven't slept for 36 hrs while i'm writing this... i guess my mind really flows when nicotine is on my brain, hehe)

Why I'm an ATHEIST...

2004-11-30T19:03:00.000+08:00

I still remember when I was young... been active in my school's (Saint Anthony School) church activities... been good in religion (Catholicism)... have been in sa many main roles in religious plays....

Ahhh... and there was the Bible Studies in my family's church (Protestant)... have been awarded and decorated so many times...

Yes... I've been a believer... have a Christian culture as my foundation...

And then....

Failure... failure... failure... in love... studies... career... society....

And then I asked... "Why God? Why?"

I then realized that there's NO ONE to believe on... only MYSELF....

Job may have passed the test... but I guess I wouldn't...

Friends?? Naah... they're not there when I need them... I guess I only got COLLEAGUES and CLOSE ACQUAINTANCES...

Family?? Hmm.. I always keep my family out of my personal businesses...

Got nothing left for me to lean upon... except MYSELF...

And then, SOMENONE showed me the way back to GOD... and then I hoped for a better life ahead of me...

Then something happened...

I found GOD.. but the thing is... IT doesn't want me back...

And then I reverted back to being my old self again.. back to darkness I've been in through all of those years...

I resent for having such false hopes...

You have a GOD.. i respect that... But for me?? It's just a figment of human imagination created to alleviate the pain from reality...

As I'm now again in a state of depression... I hope I can find something to believe on...

Coz now, I can only blame myself for my failures...

And now I realize, there's no more hope...

If there is a HELL... I look forward to it... because I think I'm much more happier there...

I may mask myself with a happy face... but deep inside... hopelessness prevails...

It's fun having a deviant behavior... it shows the advancement of philosophy and the human mind...